I’m at the point in my life where I’m a caregiver for my parents and my partner. It’s exhausting. I don’t have an open relationship with my partner, although I’d like to practice ethical non-monogamy.
The problem is, he would probably not give permission out of fear I would leave him for someone else, and then where would he be? I can’t leave him, because he needs me — as his caretaker, as his patient advocate and as his companion. But I want the opportunity to get needs of mine met that he can’t meet anymore.
I want permission, I guess, to do what I need to do to stay with him and stay sane, without feeling like an awful person. I should be less of a coward and talk to him about this, I guess, but I’m afraid of hurting him. He doesn’t deserve more pain than he’s in already.
— American Caregiver Has Intense Needs
Ask the average person to describe a “cheater,” and they’ll describe selfish assholes who fuck other people behind the backs of their loving, faithful and willing partners they left at home. But that’s not true in every case.
Some people who cheat — or some people who write to sex-advice columnists seeking permission to cheat — care deeply about their partners and want to spare them pain.
Do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane, ACHIN. Be discreet and vigilant, and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re an awful person. You’re a good person in awful circumstances who’s doing her best to take care of the people she loves, herself included.
And everybody else: If you’re lucky enough to have a partner, and you’re still relatively young and in good health, now is the time have a talk about your expectations if and/or when — and it’s most likely when — your relationship looks a lot less like it does now and a lot more like ACHIN’s relationship.
My husband and I have been married for thirteen years. We’ve always been kinky, but we’ve been monogamous this entire time.
We met a new friend last year, and we both felt comfortable asking him to be our third. He agreed, but he takes relationships —especially sexual ones — very slow. He said he would like to have some discussions regarding expectations, boundaries and desires. This level of care makes us feel even more attracted to him.
Our issue is that we are growing more deeply attracted to him with each conversation. We talk at least every other day, and we all see each other at least twice a week. We feel like we could fall in love with this person. Are these feelings we should convey to him prior to the threesome? Should we keep this to ourselves and see how the sex goes? What is happening, Dan?!?
— This Hottie Is Really Delightful
You and your husband have a crush on your first potential third, THIRD, which is wonderful. But for now, you need to keep this — the intensity of your feelings — to yourselves. You can tell this guy you’re into him, you can tell him you’re ready to fuck when he is, but you can’t ( or shouldn’t) tell him hard you’re falling for him.
At this early stage, THIRD, you can’t know whether those feelings are genuine. Also, not blurting out “I love you” on impulse is one way adults let other adults know they have good judgment and are capable of self-regulation. For now, THIRD, enjoy that feeling, ride that wave and/or the dick, and wait to see if those feelings deepen after you start fucking.
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