Savage Love 2/3

First time

Dan Savage

Dear Dan: I’m a bisexual woman. I’ve been married to a straight man for eight years. Our marriage and our sex life are amazing. We communicate well, and we have a lot of fun together. You probably think you know where this is going, Dan, but trust me this isn’t your typical bisexual-person-married-to-a-straight-person problem.

Here’s the thing: I would call myself a hetero-romantic bisexual. I love men. I love dick, and I love having sex with men. Men turn me on. And I have always been interested in men romantically. I’ve also always been into women, but only sexually. I can’t picture myself dating a woman. Or being married to one. But I’ve never been able to get off from straight sex or straight porn. When I orgasm, I am either watching lesbian porn or gay male porn or I’m thinking about it. I am turned on by my husband. I find him attractive, and the idea of having sex with him gets me wet. But when it comes time to get off, I go into my head and think about two women or two men. If I don’t do this, I can’t orgasm! I’ve always been this way. My husband is satisfied, I’m getting off and we both enjoy sex together. So, what’s the problem? I don’t want to have to leave the moment to get off! I want to be able to get off while being fully present! I feel like I’m losing out on a ton of intimacy with my husband. 

Do you think there is a way I can achieve this? Is it fucked up that I have to think about something else to orgasm when I’m with a man? I haven’t told my husband this because it would crush me to learn he had to “dip out” to get off.

—Being In Moment In Straight Sex Is No-Go

Dear BIMISSING: Zooming out for a quick second, BIMISSING, first let’s put your problem in perspective. You married to a man you love, you have a great sex life and you’re getting off. You’re winning. And you’re not the only person with this. . . well, I don’t wanna call it a “problem,” BIMISSING, because for some people fantasizing during partnered sex—the kind of dipping out you describe—is a solution. Lots of people need to imagine a particular scenario and/or particular cast of characters to get themselves the point of “orgasmic inevitability,” to use one of my favorite phrases from the sex-research literature, and if entertaining go-to fantasies during partnered sex is the thing that gets them to that point, they shouldn’t hesitate to entertain those fantasies. In other words, BIMISSING, while I wanna offer you a fix, I don’t want you—or anyone like you—to think you’re broken. Or fucked up. Because you’re not.

Now, here’s the simple, easy, obvious fix—here’s the sex hack—that’ll keep you in the moment without derailing your orgasms: dirty talk.

A quick review of my tips for dirty talk beginners: tell ‘em what you’re gonna do (“I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”), tell ‘em what you’re doing (“I’m fucking the shit out of you”), tell ‘em what you did (“I fucked the shit out of you”). You can also ask someone what they’re gonna do, what they’re doing and what they did.

But before you can do that, BIMISSING, you are gonna have to level with your husband about these fantasies and your reliance on them. Telling your husband that you’ve always had to think about gay sex to get to the point of orgasmic inevitability—while emphasizing that he makes your pussy wet, and you love having sex with him—is definitely a risk. He could have a bad reaction. If he has a problem with it, BIMISSING, tell him you’re like a woman who can’t come from vaginal intercourse alone, aka most women, only instead of needing to press a vibrator against your clit during intercourse to get off, you need to press a mental image of gay sex against your brain to get off.

Picture this, BIMISSING: You’re having hot straight sex with your hot straight husband. You start thinking about two hot fags or two hot dykes going at it. But now, instead of feeling guilty about these fantasies, you’ll be able to share them with your husband. And, yes, it’s a hard truth to share, BIMISSING, but for all you know your husband has some go-to fantasies of his own that he’d love to share—fantasies he may rely on when he needs a little help getting to the point of orgasmic inevitability. If you can successfully integrate your go-to fantasies (two women or two men fucking the shit out of each other) with your in-the-moment reality (your husband is fucking the shit out of you while you describe two women or two men fucking the shit out of each other), you won’t have to “dip out” to come.

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