An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world



It’s been 101 years since the first electric traffic light was installed in Ohio — an event so historic that the Aug. 5 Google Doodle commemorates it. And that’s about as much celebration a red-light should receive. Or so we thought.

The National Coalition for Safer Roads deemed the second week of August “National Stop on Red Week” starting in 2012. That’s right, Aug. 2-8, 2015 is set aside to remind all of us drivers that “redlight running is dangerous.” You can even sign the online pledge to “always stop on red.”

We’ll always stop for red wine. Most kids stop for Elmo but not necessarily for clown’s noses. When using your remote, it’s your call to stop for Red Foreman the fictional patriarch of That ’70s Show or not.

You can stop for a red-neck, but we don’t advise it. How about people stopping in a red-light district?

And we definitely advise stopping for a red banana. To quote the late comedian Mitch Hedberg, “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’”


Finally a solution to an argument we get into nearly every day: are bumble bees better off carrying loads of pollen and nectar in their legs or in their bellies?

A recent Harvard University study, led by biologist and romantic novel lead character Andrew Mountcastle, found that bumble bees are more stable in their flight patterns when they carry pollen in their legs as opposed to in their abdomens.

“But that study doesn’t factor in bumble bee maneuverability! Classic Boulder Weekly,” you’re probably saying. Newsflash: the study did factor in maneuverability and researchers found that the fuzzy skyrocks (as they’re commonly called in Canada) do indeed “sacrifice” maneuverability. Are you happy now?

Researchers found this by adorably strapping little lightweight sensors to the bees’ backs and gluing ball bearings to their legs. They then sent the bees down a wind tunnel with a fake flower at the end of it, and filmed them with a high-speed camera.

So this is either the most esoteric research study to date, or Mountcastle has a very specific sexual fetish and this was all one big rouse to satisfy it.

When asked to clarify the impetus for the study, Mountcastle allegedly turned up his nose, sniffed portentously, mounted his golden steed, ripped open his shirt and said, “It’s none of your bees wax.” The ensuing thunderous laughter from everyone nearby killed all the bees in the study.


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