Dear Whole Foods Daddy: April 20, 2023

Your burning Boulder questions, asked and answered

"Where’s the best place to pick up older women in Boulder?" Photo courtesy Universal Pictures.

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries — especially the uncool ones.

Where’s the best place to pick up older women in Boulder?

Unless you’re Leo DiCaprio or the average Pearl Street bartender — to whom an older woman is a hostess in her senior year at CU — let’s agree to define “older women” as baddies over 45. With this in mind, few things are as sexually charged as a mature woman who just dropped $200 on hydrangea and pots at Sturtz & Copeland. 

Or even better, acquire a front-facing service job where the older mommas get their drug of choice, i.e., coffee and wine. There’s nothing like a lanky young bartender or barista with excellent customer service skills to remind a lady of all the ways her husband is inadequate (and make her wonder what those nimble fingers can do besides make an amazing espresso martini). 

How do I survive here if I don’t climb?

It sounds like what you are rather facetiously asking is if social acceptance is possible in this town for the un-sendable among us. I get it; sometimes living in Boulder feels like some middle-school clique shit, and somehow you always feel like you’re on the outside looking in. Is everyone at Rayback staring at you and laughing to themselves at how much of a loser and a fake you are because you don’t have chalk permanently smeared on your face, or did the edible just kick in? No, they probably hate you, and it’s because you don’t climb.

You could always construct an identity around something more meaningful than a single hobby. But have you considered, like a high schooler ripping their first weed pen during lunch period by the Boulder Creek, just giving into peer pressure? If you are lucky enough to have a body able to take you up a climbing wall, you should probably do it at the great risk of maybe having fun. But remember, everyone will be judging you for how bad you are.

How do I shoot my shot over DM with a well-respected person in my industry?

A surprising amount of beautiful love stories start with a drunk ’n’ flirty 1 a.m. “;)” in the DMs between two people who have kind-of-sort-of  seen each other around. 

Start out small, with a few well-placed story likes on Instagram. If you receive a follow back — or even if you don’t and want to embrace delusion — maybe escalate to some casual, industry-related replies to their stories. Dare I say, show a genuine interest in what you have in common! Hopefully there is some mutual banter occurring in the DMs at this point. If there isn’t, it would be remiss to advise you to keep on this doomed-yet-well-traveled path to becoming (sorry) kind of creepy. 

Note: If your industry is weed, disregard all of the above and just go for it full-throttle. I’m sure they’re down.

How do you afford housing in Boulder without a trust fund or joining a cult?

This might be adjacent to joining a cult, but you can always try creating a large immediate family by engaging in civil unions and perhaps acquiring some children to get around occupancy ordinances. I’m obviously joking; this would assume that anyone would make an effort to abide by housing density ordinances. (Urban legends of cops counting toothbrushes in the bathroom are highly sus.)

Anyway, I hear Longmont is cute!

What do you do when you turn down a bartender at your favorite bar and they’re crummy to you after?

There is much to be said about the power imbalance between service worker and customer, and the uncomfortable ways in which us wage slaves must accommodate creepy advances of the always-right customer. However, a Boulder bartender with years of experience in the food industry (and an alcohol problem to match) holds more power than the average service industry employee. This is the only situation where it’s ethical and appropriate to Karen-up and speak  to  their  manager.

Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? Follow wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”