#OMGMYDRINKISSOCOOLPLEASEFOLLOWMECOOLTHX
Have you ever been drinking a refreshing Starbucks coffee when you wonder to yourself, “Why the heck is there no jelly in this?” No? Well then you aren’t Starbucks’ Japanese target demographic…
Across the sea, the head honchos of Starbucks Japan finally gave the people what they want and started offering a coffee jelly frappuccino. Yum?
This is just the latest drop in the bucket for a company that produces new, trendy drinks faster than Kanye West manages to collectively insult the entire human race. (Actually, Kanye probably wins that contest.)
The latest American Starbucks sipping craze comes from the company’s elusive “secret menu” and is called the “Pink Drink.” Made by mixing their Strawberry Acai Refresher with coconut milk and fruit, the beverage looks like pastel unicorn puke — but if the pink puts you off, there’s “Purple Drink” too!
But of course, these drinks aren’t made for the common (read: sense) coffee drinker. They’re made for the social media sad sacks — people incapable of drinking their Starbucks without first announcing to the world they’ve purchased a beverage from said establishment.
The pink drink hashtag has already garnered more than 122,000 posts on Instagram. And the Starbucks Japan tweet announcing the new beverage has been retweeted more than 28,000 times by those eager to get their follower count up after the #YestoBrexit debacle.
These new fads come off the backs of previous Starbucks innovations: the kale cream macchiato, the cheesy Dorito chai, the vegan-paelo-gluten-free-diet-soy iced latte, the fro-yo fro-no frappuccino, the Sriracha sea salt smoothie and don’t forget the quinoa cream macchiato served at exactly 123 degrees, with a pink umbrella and a middle finger from the barista. Enjoy.
Unleash… the fire extinguishers
Admit it. At some point in your life you’ve stood in the self-help aisle at a bookstore and browsed the titles, hoping to find something inspirational that will explain why you lost your job, why your spouse left you, why your kids hate you and why you’ve never lost that extra 20 lbs. around your waist. And chances are, if you are one of the enlightened schmucks who awkwardly sneak into the section pretending it wasn’t actually your intended destination, then you’ve probably picked up a Tony Robbins book at some point.
Hundreds of thousands of people have purportedly “benefited” from the motivational speaker’s books and conferences. And the guru has even been endorsed by such celebrities as Leonardo DiCaprio, Pamela Anderson, Usher, Mike Tyson and even Mikhail Gorbachev! But there are at least 30 Robbins-disciples who are reconsidering their allegiance.
At a recent event in Dallas, attendees of Robbins’ “Unleash the Power Within” conference, walked across hot coals, presumably as a test of their newly minted, Robbins-inspired inner strength and quality of life, which the conference promised would abound. Unfortunately, most of the firewalkers didn’t believe hard enough and were later treated for burns to their feet and legs.
No kidding. We would expect lining up behind thousands of other self-helpers on a bed of hot coals might not produce the same results as the ancient art of firewalking, but who are we to judge? We’re the ones still browsing those self-help aisles. First step: Self-help book. Next step: Firewalking.
