We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
How do I best embrace “Boulder casual” (think work clothes)?
Looking through the Amazon rainforest of house plants growing in the offices on West Pearl, you’ll see far fewer work pants than padded-ass cyclist shorts behind the standing desks.
A shorthand for knowing if you’re pulling off Boulder casual is to ask yourself, “Would my midwestern/east coast mother be deeply ashamed of this ’fit?” If she’s going to make you change out of your sports-bra-as-top before dinner, you’ve nailed it.
How do I become a cyclist daddy? What does it mean to be a daddy? I’m just a guy.
Is it the way their slight frame looks under layers of helmet, sunnies and Rapha-branded bib-and-shorts? The Europhilia? Or is it the intensity that bubbles beneath the surface, drawing you in for all the wrong reasons, which can only be exorcized through grueling rides up to Gold Hill?
While many cyclist daddies possess these traits, none alone does a daddy make. What makes a daddy is being imbued with a casual and authoritative sensuality, and almost always a marked resemblance to a geeky middle school biology teacher from your sexually formative years.
Do Boulder doggies go to human heaven?
Like a vegan happily watching their captive partner force a smile as they choke down something that sounds suspiciously like “Satan,” Boulder’s dog owners have convinced themselves that their dogs happen to like exactly the same things as they do. Oh, you’re a jock? “Bodhi” is clearly just as stoked on those Strava stats as you are. You’re paleo now, bro? And your goodboy “Rogan” (wtf?) is also on that primal dog food kick? Quelle coincidence!
Sorry, but just because you feel like you and pup are totally-aligned homies, his heaven doesn’t involve an eternity of being an extension of your personality.
How do I move on from the esoteric Boulder woman I met in undergrad?
Can you still remember how magical it felt to lay naked on her mattress with the cigarette burns as Velvet Underground played from her turntable? Do you still see her turmeric-stained fingers in your mind’s eye skillfully rolling a joint, like a muse dreamed up by Zach Braff after he attended a Naropa house party?
Like your favorite sticker-covered water bottle you left at a trailhead, there is no moving on from an esoteric Boulder woman. The best we — um, I mean you — can do is incorporate her personality into yours. Turn smelling like tea tree oil into your thing: “Oh, you didn’t know that I use veggie scraps to make broth for soup? Yeah, it’s kinda my *thing*.” Laughs and bites my turmeric-stained thumb mischievously, because that’s also my thing now.
How can I have an outdoorsy dating profile without all the bland first-date conversations about climbing, skiing and hiking?
You may paste the following into your dating app profile bio: Hello, feel free to notice and swipe right on my shredded deltoids. While I am proud of this fit bod and the 14-er I summited in my third picture, I am so much more than this outdoorsy hotness. Let’s have a bland first date conversation about coffee, or Barbenheimer, or dear God anything but climbing. Please respect my boundaries.
How does a good looking daddy whose wife has said you can go out with other women (just don’t spend any money, and don’t bring anything home) go about meeting, dancing and having fun with younger women without coming off as creepy to 90% of the 20-somethings he tries to talk to?
When I first skimmed this question, I thought it was satire sent in by a woman in her 20s. As much as I appreciate the wit of my fellow young ladies in Boulder with whom I share a very specific common experience — being on the geriatric end of your preferred demographic — I’d rather answer “straight,” ie. sincere questions. Which I realized, upon more detailed reading, yours certainly is.
As someone who has recently aged out of the “Leo DiCaprio dating pool,” my first reaction was not gracious. I’m not sure what response you were expecting, besides a pat on the back for trying not to be creepy. But that’s not really what you’re asking: You’re asking how to avoid being perceived as creepy. Maybe you can be given credit for the humility of asking a question at all, and for that I’ll do something I rarely do in any part of my life, which is give a straightforward answer.
First of all, I see no other logical conclusion to the conditions of your open relationship besides a situation where a 20-something is paying for her own drinks and possibly the drinks of an older man as well. I am shrieking with laughter at this thought.
Once we move beyond that — which I find very difficult — let’s assume that you and your wife are in an ethical non-monogamous relationship, and your type just happens to be women in their 20s. (Isn’t it crazy that this is always the type? Even though you’re likely in your 40s, if we’re being generous.) Oh, and “good looking,” lest we forget this important and objective detail. I don’t think I’ll ever be as nonjudgmental as Dan Savage, but he in his open-minded way would surely find that there’s nothing technically wrong with this.
Since I’m clearly too emotionally involved in this question, I consulted an “older man.” We agreed upon this: “Creepy” is not “unethical” or “illegal” or even “wrong.” It’s just creepy. And while having a “type” that lends itself to icky power dynamics is extremely common, it’s definitely still pretty creepy. Girls under 25 (which is what most guys mean by “20-somethings”) have an under-formed prefrontal cortex, which might not set off the alarms bells it should when a much older man is hitting on them.
How do you go about gallivanting on the playground without the majority of the children thinking you are creepy? Be skilled in deceit I guess? Find some sheep’s clothing in your size? Do better? Re-read your question? Re-read your question and reflect and consider how every day you have the opportunity to be the reason someone has more trust in other humans, or the reason they have less?
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”
