An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world


Study: Night light for tikes blunders slumber 

A new study from University of Colorado researchers found that an hour of dim light before bed time helps toddlers go to sleep.

The study also found that lowering their coffee intake, reading Nelson DeMille novels and chamomile tea help the youngsters hit the sack easier.

The study was conducted by getting a bunch of three- to five-year-olds on a routine sleep schedule and then swabbing their mouths to check for melatonin levels at various times. Kids were asked to enter “the cave,” a room where the windows were blocked and lights were dimmed, which their parents were reportedly “totally cool with.”

Once leaving the cave, kids were exposed to bright light for an hour, and had levels of melatonin 88 percent lower compared to their base levels.

What the study didn’t mention is that the bright light was coming from a slow-moving stream of Donald Trump tweets on a 90-inch TV. Kids exposed to the ominous glow of hate also experienced higher blood pressure and a sudden increase in maritime vocabulary.

Billy Sampson, 4, was allegedly removed from the study when he asked if all lives mattered or just black lives, and what Pocahontas was doing with Crooked Hillary anyway. Sleep tight, kids.

Fantastic Plastic

After 59 years of subtly and not-so-subtly influencing young girls, Barbie finally got the memo. Not all four-year-old girls are bone-thin, paler than Twilight’s Edward Cullen or, as astute Facebook Commenter Mari P. Reynolds notes, “made from sex-toy measurements.”

Congratulations, Barbie! You opened your too-large eyes a little wider and have finally glimpsed the edge of reality. After surveying 8,000 mothers, the company found 86 percent of them “are worried about what kind of role models their daughters are exposed to.”

Enter 17 new dolls on the Barbie market. Among them you’ll find the likes of badass snowboarder Chloe Kim, the illustrious Frida Kahlo, fearless pioneer Amelia Earhart, body-activist babe Ashley Graham and the now-famous NASA scientist Katherine Johnson (think Hidden Figures.) Replete with women of color, a few (but not enough) varying body sizes and a diverse career pool, looks like Barbie is trying to take yet another step in the right direction.

But, despite the good try, she may have missed the mark. Stephanie Hancox, Facebook Commenter II, writes, “Don’t you think it is time to retire Barbie? The bodies all look alike, the faces and proportions. The only difference is costuming. This is not an advancement.”

Either way, this new cohort of dolls will be available in stores soon, and if you’re keen, you might want to get in line starting at midnight the night before. We’re sure they’ll go fast to people like Facebook Mari, who also writes, “Come to think of it I might buy some some of these dolls even though my girls are grown up.”


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