Welcome to Ask a Therapist, the first of a recurring monthly advice column answering readers’ questions and providing practical strategies for approaching struggles with mindfulness and intention.
I’m Michele Goldberg, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Boulder-based Find Your Center, A Therapy Collective. I have 15 years of experience in counseling individuals, couples and families. We recently relocated our headquarters from Los Angeles and are passionate about supporting the Boulder community. Our goal is to replace shame with curiosity, isolation with connection, and judgment with empathy around our shared life challenges.
Send us your most pressing problems: All responses are confidential: bit.ly/AskaTherapistBW.
The following question is one I hear often in my practice: How do I make friends and meaningful connections in a new city?
Answer:
Moving to a new place takes courage, and it’s normal to feel isolated at first. Finding community and a sense of home takes time. Loneliness is a healthy sign that you’re in transition and have a natural desire for relationships.
Rebuilding is a slow process, so be patient with your efforts. Since you need roughly 90 hours of individual contact to generate fulfilling and intimate friendships, according to Jeffrey Hall, Ph.D., you must define a reasonable goal to maintain hope and momentum.
Your initial objective isn’t an instant bestie (instantly charged bonds often yield chaotic relationships), but to create social touchpoints that help you feel engaged. Plant diverse, well-distributed seeds that provide encouragement for a connected future. Water them weekly.
Check your expectations
What does connection mean to you? What are your expectations, and are they realistic? Anticipate that you may be sensitive to others’ perceptions/rejections. It’s not always personal.
Prepare for unhelpful coping mechanisms to control that feeling (drinking too much, judging others, abandoning your authenticity, suppressing natural eagerness, seeking romantic relationships first and borrowing their community, trauma dumping or people pleasing).
Practice observing your impulses with curiosity and care, self-soothe and celebrate the pause between impulse and action.
Plan to be mindful of ways you compromise and make exceptions to justify relationships that are not right for you. Retain your standards. And allow for feelings of insecurity. Don’t give up!
Take initiative
Nourish every opportunity. Say hello and express genuine curiosity about the person checking out your groceries. Spread interest, respect and humanity. Consider it a win if you make the effort, and a double if you are self-aware and actively self-affirming while doing it.
Try one small, meaningful social action each week, whether that’s attending a community event, joining a club or starting a conversation with a neighbor. Before, during and after, track your emotional responses and any automatic thoughts that arise (e.g., "I’ll be awkward," "They won’t like me"). This can provide insight into core beliefs or schemas that might be shaping your experience. Challenge them.
Embrace vulnerability
It’s normal to feel exposed when trying to build new relationships, and not every social attempt will lead to a connection. If you’re an adult, most will not. You can handle rejection.
Success isn’t measured by making immediate friends: It’s about consistently putting yourself in situations where relationships can naturally develop. It’s about making others feel seen and acknowledged. It’s also an opportunity to self-affirm that you are enough, worthy and deserving of love, regardless of the reception.
Be your own friend
Plan self-date adventures on a regular basis. Doing so also removes the temptation to substitute digital relationships, or even vicarious living, for real-world experiences.
Hope itself can help alleviate loneliness before local bonds do. Having a plan with small, sustainable steps can make this transition feel more manageable. Connection takes time, but you are actively building a life here, and that’s something to be proud of.
For a deeper dive into strategies for building community, visit findyourcentertherapy.com/blog.
This column provides general mental health insights and guidance. This advice is for informational/entertainment purposes only and does not constitute professional, personalized medical, psychological or therapeutic treatment. While we strive for accuracy and inclusion, our feedback may not account for all competing theories and research in the field.
Practical ways to build connection
Adult friendship often grows through convenience, shared activities, proximity and common life stages. Structured and unstructured social settings both have value and provide at least one nexus of connection: Formal groups offer consistency and exist independent of others’ validation or interest, while everyday micro-interactions (at a coffee shop, dog park or co-working space) create familiarity over time.
Consider spaces aligned with your values, such as:
- Meetup groups based on hobbies, interests or intersecting identities
- Lectures and performances
- Local volunteer opportunities, including animal shelters and senior support centers
- Group fitness classes or outdoor recreation groups
- Political associations and discussion groups
- Faith-based or spiritual gatherings (church, temple, mosque, 12-step programs, etc.)
- LGBTQ+ groups
- Co-working spaces, book clubs and community skills workshops (pottery, craft)
- Local education (language seminars, financial literacy training, cooking classes)
- Community gardens, local conservation advocacy and outreach opportunities
- Parenting groups, school events, PTA meetings
- Live music, dance, art exhibits and other expressive media
- Dog training and obedience classes
Use the Meetup App and read local publications (shoutout to Boulder Weekly!) to learn about upcoming events.
How to start a conversation
You don’t need to be clever or unique to start a conversation. A simple “Hi” is enough. Most people appreciate friendly acknowledgment, and small talk is a bridge to deeper conversations.
I equate it to butt sniffing as a dog: it isn’t the content of the conversation, but the exchange of energy: establishing an open line, determining (largely through nonverbal cues) the early safety and trustworthiness of a peer and demonstrating through posture, tone and space how closed or open we are to contact.
If it helps, have a few topics in mind. Prepare something light and contextually relevant, like commenting on an event, asking for a recommendation or mentioning something you both have in common. (“Have you been coming to this class for a while?” or “That book looks interesting, have you read other things by that author?”) You may fare better with open-ended prompts, unless it’s clear someone is in a time crunch.
While it’s okay to have an idea of what to say, avoid sounding overly rehearsed. Instead, focus on being present and engaged.
People can sense when you’re genuinely interested, and that’s far more important than delivering the perfect opening line. Pay attention to their responses and adjust naturally; conversation is a dynamic process, not a performance.