Is it possible to forgive my “straight” husband for cheating on me with three trans women? He justified cheating because we were no longer intimate, and he thought I'd never accept that he was bisexual. He assumed that I'd never want to try kinky shit or help him fulfill his fantasies.
I am actually pretty open minded and would have been willing to try things out in the bedroom. But now? Now I am feeling so fucking wounded and betrayed. How do we rebuild trust?
— Cheating Husband’s Egregious Actions Torment Spouse
You can forgive your cheating husband and give him a second chance, but there’s no guarantee you won’t come to regret it. Studies have shown that a person who’s cheated on a partner is (roughly) three times more likely to cheat again.Which is why whenever someone is thinking about forgiving a cheater, I encourage that person to consider the (presumably) worst-case scenario — getting cheated on again — and if the thought is devastating, consider ending the relationship.
I think the fact that you weren’t having sex when your husband cheated on you is a mitigating factor. Did your husband know you would’ve been willing to explore new things with him before this all came out or is that something he knows now?
I think the fact that you weren’t having sex when your husband cheated on you is a mitigating factor. The collapse of your sex life made it easier for him to rationalize his behavior, particularly if he had no way of knowing it was temporary. He should’ve been honest with you about seeking sex elsewhere, CHEATS, and the things he was discovering about himself. But the higher the stakes, the harder being honest — and stakes don’t get much higher than divorce.
If he truly thought your marriage had become a companionate one, he may have convinced himself that he was not only free to get his sexual needs met elsewhere (including ones he may not have been consciously aware of when you married), but that you might prefer him to discreetly do so. And did your husband know you would’ve been willing to explore new things with him before this all came out or is that something he knows now?
I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband’s behavior. He has a lot of things to apologize for. But it’s almost impossible to forgive someone if you can’t understand — on some level — why they made the choices they did.
I’m a 44-year-old heterosexual female. I have been with my husband since the age of 18. We have a good and mostly monogamous marriage; I say mostly because over the years I have cheated. My husband can always make me orgasm and the sex we have is fine, but I am really itching to fuck other people again after two years of being faithful.
I have talked to him about this, but he is not interested in opening up our relationship at all. Can you please help with the right verbiage or resource to somehow normalize this for him? What can I say to convince him? Or do I need to give up this fantasy of allowable alternate sex partners?
— Getting Real About Craving Extra
You could get your husband to read Jessica Fern’s Polysecure, the bible for ethical non-monogamists under 40, or you could get him to read Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The Ethical Slut, the bible for ethical non-monogamists over 40, or you could get him to listen to Multiamory or Evolving Love or one of the dozens of podcasts out there for people who are interested in opening up their marriages.
But yur husband has already told you — pretty emphatically — that he’s not one of those people. He doesn’t want an open relationship. He doesn’t want a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” arrangement. He doesn’t want you out there fucking other people.
There’s no shame in needing more than one sex partner — so long as you’re not lying to yourself or anyone else.
You know that you are going to fuck other people, and he needs to know that. The question you need to risk asking your husband — a question that could end your marriage — is: Does he want to be in an ethically non-monogamous relationship? Or does he want to be in an unethically non-monogamous relationship?
If it’s monogamy he wants, he’s gonna have to leave you. If it’s you he wants, he’s gonna have to let you.
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