We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. “Dear Whole Foods Daddy” exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
What’s the best Boulder hike for a Tinder date that won’t kill me?
Yes, plenty of psychos use the Sanitas Loop — the steep, uphill, clockwise one if they’re particularly malicious — as a sick physical screener for a partner. It’s downright primal to watch Brody from Hinge betray his weak genetic makeup as he sneaks a vape hit after being told for the tenth time that no, that yonder big rock still isn’t the top.
But for the rest of us, those who have come to realize that any dynamic requiring you to quiet your breathing to appear sexier to a man from the internet who you don’t owe a goddamn thing, contributes to the fundamental inauthenticity of modern dating. Give some love to yourself and your date; take the flattest of dusk strolls on Shanahan Ridge for an orgasmic panorama sunset, and maybe steal a kiss next to a cow grazing on your taxpayer dollar-funded open space as God intended.
What’s the best burrito in Boulder?
Perhaps even more defining than choosing to be a Pub or Downer person in Boulder is choosing to be a Santo burrito or an Illegal Pete’s burrito person. (Those who identify as Whole Foods hot bar burrito people have dark and sinister energies and should be avoided.)
Illegal Pete’s burritos are as reliable and grounded as the arthritic yet nimble fingers of an elderly green-vest McGuckin’s employee. But nothing screams sex appeal like tater tots, and there’s nothing sexier than a man with the metabolism of a hummingbird unexpectedly pulling a day-old Santo offering out of his pocket.
That being said, the best burrito in Boulder is one that cures a hangover after a heroic amount of tequila shots — which can be purchased within walking distance of the bed of the bartender who provided them for free. There is no better morning accessory to a freak dress than bacon grease and Cholula drippings.
. . .
Should I date my boss?
There’s no doomed romance more classic than a chaotic CU student working in the service industry who decides to become a set piece in the midlife crisis of her manager on duty. This person inevitably finds that the glares of co-workers suspecting seating-map favoritism are the price you pay for a few stolen moments in the walk-in fridge.
Are you a lowly bike mechanic at an unnamed Boulder bike shop whose supervisor’s tattoos and absolutely stoked Strava stats tempt your good judgment as much as the thrillingly problematic power dynamics? Why not destroy both a marriage and the entire company culture for a fling that either results in termination for either or both of you, or the un-sexy type of sexual tension that comes from being professionally beholden to a former lover?
Do it — for the years of therapy, for the story, and mostly for the drama for your co-workers.
. . .
How do I know if my budtender is flirting with me or is just stoned?
Ever since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, hot dispensary girls evoking the sensual boredom of Free People models have been breaking stoner hearts across the state — and parting many a toker with his crumpled, kinda skunky-smelling cash in the process.
If I had a dime for every time a Boulder dispo chick with thick-rimmed glasses — looking impossibly chic in the baggiest of Dead shirts — and dripping with salesman’s charisma convinced me to spend far more than I’d intended, I’d have even more cash to pathetically fumble with as she lazily looks on, knowing full well the effect of her powers.
As with many things in life, it’s best to not think too hard and enjoy the ride. Sure, your budtender is into you: The fact that they confided that pre-rolls are BOGO on Thursdays means they’re probably even in love. You should definitely leave a tip!
. . .
I’ve synced with my BF’s mom. He has told both of us. What should I feel?
Listen, we love Boulder’s tolerant attitudes. Moms loudly conversing about the effect of their postpartum kegel practice on their sex lives in line at Beleza is objectively a good thing for society.
However, it needs to be said: Boulder has become too permissive. Your boyfriend is not enlightened; he needs better boundaries. The question I’m too scared to ask is how this man knows that you have synced with his mom, dear lord.
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”
