We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
What grocery store is best for a potential meet-cute?
It’s natural to romanticize The Crunchy Grocery Store Meet-Cute ™, since who among us doesn’t dread the boring fate of meeting our future boo on a sterile Hinge date at Avanti like the normies. Unfortunately, it’s ultimately more likely than catching the attention of the love of your life because the container you were filling in the bulk aisle has overflowed and covered you in curry-cashew dust (sexily) because you were too busy staring at them writing bulk food codes on their toned, vein-y forearm. “Damn, those curry cashews go hard huh?” he says softly. A voice that you barely recognize as your own responds, “Then why don’t you eat them off my…” Ahh sorry, um, you were asking about which grocery store was horniest or something?
With the exception of Alfalfa’s (may its spirit live within all of us), the vibes are more important than the precise venue. If thirsty DILFs are your thing, they’re easy pickings in the Whole Foods supplement aisles as they pretend to read the ingredients on some bullshit bison testicle capsule they will certainly buy. If you’re a stoney baloney who gets off on ripping big doinks, then you’ll surely find another little gremlin snacking on grapes to match your freak wandering through King Soopers at midnight.
What are the best ways to enjoy the brief, fleeting weeks between graduates leaving town and Labor Day?
For a few sacred summer weeks, the Hill falls delightfully silent as the CU bambinos fly back to their casas in SoCal like super-tan migratory geese. It’s time for a crisis — midlife, quarterlife, whatever — and for you to have your Old School moment. Remember being in your early 20s and watching those sad, late-20s dudes play pool at the Downer, oblivious to the fact that they are pathetic and old? Now is the time to Be Those Dudes.
Do you ever wonder if you could rock the Gen-Z bustier-and-big-pants ’fit as well as a hotbody CU sorority girl on her way to the Rio to make terrible decisions with the recently divorced bartender? You definitely can’t, but not because you’re not as hot as her; it’s because your standards for comfort are higher, and you know you look super hot in a big-shirt-big-pants look, and that the Rio bartender might comp you drinks but probably has crabs, too.
How do I quickly lose 16-20 lbs for the summer?
I’m a little hard of hearing due to some poor choices in live music, but it sounds like you’re asking how to quickly gain 16-20 lbs of muscle and/or curvaceous loveliness for the summer? I’m so glad you asked, because even though I’m about body positivity, all of us Boulder waifs could stand to be a little juicier.
One can achieve this by making yummy lil’ snacks like Justin’s Peanut Butter and a couple spoonfuls of coconut oil sandwiched between two Clif Builders Protein bars. The Clif bars and coconut oil are for calories, and the Justin’s PB is to inspire you to look like Justin from Justin’s PB, because LORD that man is built.
Where do I meet a girl who will scramble with me and then do the rope swing at the creek?
What, a girl, who will not only scramble the Flatirons (truly a niche pastime), but is cray cray and dare I say, manic and pixie enough to rope swing into Boulder creek?? Truly an obscure and esoteric unicorn you seek, my friend. What do you want next, a girl who kicks off her shoes in the grass like an absolutely feral creature??? Pfft, meet her in your dreams.
What is the perfect summer day in Boulder?
Follow this recipe, no edits:
Bowels, emptied. Blunt, smoked. Beleza drip coffee (just black, thanks), procured. Bowels, emptied again. Hips, opened by a yoga instructor who doesn’t say “namaste.” Tummy, filled with unwashed farmer’s market arugula (didn’t even look at the price). Mouth, smooched skillfully by a sensitive boi who doesn’t have expectations. Heart, full as the moon as you bike home at midnight a lil’ tipsy and alone as you’ve ever been.
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email [email protected] with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.” Read more Dear Whole Foods Daddy on Boulder Weekly