We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This monthly advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
Sundress or bikini?
This is so important, and you probably know where I’m going — more skin is not necessarily hotter, e.g. lingerie versus nudity, blah blah blah. For sure, bikinis are pretty nakey, but a sundress can be NAKEY.
The ubiquity of bikinis has rendered them sexless, especially in a town where it’s entirely professional to wear bitty bike shorts and a crop top to Boxcar for your interview for a job with a startup where the only risk is wearing the same Outdoor Voices bike shorts as your future girl-boss boss but filling them out better. (No six-figure fake job for you!)
As for the nasty, nasty sundress, even the sexual tension in a yoga posture adjustment that lingers a touch longer than necessary cannot match the raw eroticism of a Free People mini you indefinitely borrowed from your bff that has a highly sus stain from either period blood or sitting in chocolate.
After answering the question, this writer’s Instagram algorithm showed her ads for absolutely filthy sundresses whose total material could fit in a tightly-rolled J and some earth-tone, high-waisted, body-positive bikinis that were hot enough to make her reconsider her answer if not life itself.
How do I suggest to my hippie roomie that their crystal deodorant isn’t cutting it?
I’m pretty sure I got my first and last crystal deodorant from the Alfalfa’s wellness aisle with my employee discount, and I’m also pretty sure that by the end of my shift I smelled approximately like a hypothetical, in-person meet up of r/Boulder subreddit superusers (ayo!).
This is all to say, proceed gently, for we are all either the hippie roommate or the uptight Boulder yuppie (derogatory) roommate in someone else’s story. Use subliminal messaging by whispering sweet nothings about Tom’s of Maine to their iPhone and let the targeted ads do their thing — no aluminum needed.
As a healthy 55-year-old woman, I’m living with an identity crisis: Am I a “cougar”?
Oh m’lady, there’s no need for false modesty around here! “Healthy”? I think what you’re tryna say is “powerflow-tight body,” amirite? Let’s first dispel the notion that it’s anything special for older women to be hot, because IMO, older women are especially sexy. We don’t have crushes on the baddies-of-advanced-age working in the Natty G’s supplement aisle despite their crow’s feet; it’s their smile lines themselves that make us blush as they counsel us: “Yes, that’s definitely something you need an antibiotic for, and please please pee after intercourse from now on.”
I get it: You’re smokin’. But here’s the thing: You don’t have to date younger guys just because you’re hot and you can. Do you enjoy being forced to watch YouTube videos of gnarly whippers??
What I’m getting at is that calling yourself a cougar is defining your attractiveness based on the age of your fuckboy, when you could do so much better. Consider the Gen X Boulder men clogging Daily Camera letters to the editor and our Trident tables with their “hilarious” hot takes, who generally have too much free time. You could find your greater calling by taking them off our collective hands and walking those chair pose-toned legs into their lives.
Unsolicited advice: Don’t coddle the cyclists
I get it, you’re driving up Broadway and see a cyclist on the North Boulder park side waiting to cross and, even though you have the right away, they look so pathetic and helpless on their wittle bitty bike and you wonder, “Will they ever be able to cross with all these big strong cars??” Surely they will be so grateful if you stop and let them go ahead of you!
Despite our frail and childlike physiques, I promise, we totally got this. Even if you see us slowly rolling towards the intersection, that’s just because our big dorky brains have already timed out and anticipated when you will pass by. When you stop, we have to stop too, then start up again with no momentum after making sure you’re definitely stopped and Jesus Christ please just follow the traffic rules just trust us we got this OK???
Got a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”