Dear Dan: My girlfriend can’t use hormonal birth control and “doesn’t like” condoms but wants sex. What would you do? — Paternal Anxiety Upsetting Sexual Escapades
Dear PAUSE: I would fuck her in the ass, PAUSE, but only with her enthusiastic and sustained consent. And one day I would leave her, come out as gay and get myself a boyfriend who likes condoms and start fucking him in the ass instead.
Dear Dan: I recently started dating a girl who likes to be submissive. It’s more of a psychological thing than a pain thing. She opened up about her kink, and I was all for it, thinking myself the ultimate GGG lover. Thing is, I find being a Dom quite boring. I love getting her off, but I just can’t get into the role. I’m not sure if this is funny or horrible, but the other day, she was strapped to the bed and just as she was reaching a climax, I stopped. I uncuffed her, told her I was leaving the room, and ordered her not to take the blindfold off or touch herself. She loved it, but I did it so I could go to the toilet and check my phone. I’d say something to her if I found it gross or it wasn’t working, but she enjoys it to the point where she has little interest in doing anything else. Even when regular intercourse takes place, there are still clear submissive overtones — to have vanilla sex at all, I basically have to lecture her first about her dirty ways to get her going. I like more “mutual” activities like 69ing, massages, etc. She seems open to it but then steers it back to her submissiveness. I enjoy sex with her, but this Dom/ sub thing is a roadblock to me getting off. Am I just being self-centered?
— Dom Only On Demand
Dear DOOD: All BDSM tops — all Masters, Mistresses, Pro-Doms, switches, vanilla-but-GGG partners of submissive types — occasionally check their phones, go to the toilet, take a snack break, etc., while their subs wait blindfolded or hooded back in the bedroom/playroom/dungeon. The sub gets to tremble in anticipation; the Dom gets to relax for a second. So taking a quick toilet/phone break doesn’t mean you are a lousy Dom, DOOD, but I definitely see why you’re bored: BDSM isn’t your thing, you’re doing it for her, and she’s taking you for granted. You’re being GGG (and indulging all her kinks); she’s not being GGG (she’s making it all about her kinks). Tell your girlfriend that she’ll have to lecture herself about her dirty ways when you two are having vanilla PIV sex, 69ing or swapping massages, if that’s what it takes to get her going, because you don’t want to have to play at being dominant every time you have sex.
I suspect the Dom/sub play will feel like less of a roadblock, DOOD, if every sexual interaction with your girlfriend isn’t colored by it.
Dear Dan: I love my girlfriend. However, she has an issue with things she considers “icky” — like sperm, saliva, sex when menstruating and anal sex as well as the resulting santorum. She also regards dressing up for sex and talking dirty as silly. She enjoys sex just fine, but it is pretty plain vanilla. Any advice on how to move her in a more experimentalist direction would be appreciated. I am not looking to turn her into an anal fanatic or a sloppy blowjob queen, but rather for her to put aside her preconceived notions and give some things a try by embracing them fully.
— Wants It Less Tedious
Dear WILT: Anal isn’t for everyone and sloppy blowjobs aren’t for everyone, WILT, but a fear of all bodily secretions — with the convenient exception of her own vaginal secretions — isn’t just sexnegative, it’s childish. Let her know that, as much as you love her, this relationship won’t last if she can’t get a little more comfortable with human bodies and the stuff that leaks from them before, during and after sex.
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