I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious.
His particular kink is he wants his partner to have other lovers. And as long as everyone involved is consenting, I’m fine with that. Here’s the problem. My long-distance partner longs for a throuple type of relationship. He decided, without my consent, to create a profile on a popular mainstream dating app with photos of me seeking a playmate for us.
When I found out, I broke up with him immediately and deleted the account from his phone. I see many problems with this — lack of communication, lack of consent, coerciveness, not to mention that many people I know personally and professionally don’t even know that I’m divorcing much less that I have another partner — but he sees no harm in what he’s done and is trying to get me back.
To reassure me (or not!) and to educate him and anyone else who might ever consider creating a “couples” profile without the consent of half of the couple: Is this as bad as I think it is?
— Oafish Violation Ends Relationship
This is just as bad as you think it is. You can’t trust a guy who would pimp you out on a dating app without your consent. Red flags don’t come any redder.
What your long-ago/far-away boyfriend did was out of bounds, and the damage is — in my opinion — irreparable. In his rush to have everything his way, he demonstrated that you weren’t a person in his eyes, but a means to an end.
Accept his apology (if you feel like it), tell him to delete your photos and make it clear that if you see them online again, you’ll go to the police and file a revenge porn complaint. Then block his number to avoid getting sucked into conversations about his regrets and/or manipulated into giving him another chance. Finalize your divorce and forget about this asshole.
P.S. To the long-ago/far-away boyfriend: Hotwifing and cuckolding forums are filled with guys whining about how hard it is to find a woman willing to explore these dynamics with them… and you found one, dude, and you blew it. So dumb.
I met a guy on Facebook dating, and we texted nearly every day for a year before meeting this past Christmas. It’s been great, we’re both happy and in love. I see him in my life forever.
He is still close with his ex and considers him his best friend. I’m actually fine with this. The one thing that bothers me though is he’ll compare us to when he dated him or will say things like, “My dog hasn’t seen me having sex with a guy other than Alex,” or, “Alex said if I didn’t fool around with him the first time, he wouldn’t have started a relationship.”
I’m not sure he realizes he does this, but it gets annoying. I’m not sure how to bring it up to him. I know one day he’ll want me to meet Alex cause he’s his best friend, but how do I tell him I don’t want to hear about the things he used to do with him?
— Not Enthralled With Boyfriend’s Important Ex
Your insecurity is understandable — and asking a new boyfriend to be considerate of an understandable insecurity is a good way to figure out whether he’s a “keeper,” as the kids say.
It sounds like your new boyfriend is trying to be matter of fact about Alex — his ex and best friend — because Alex is still an important part of his life. If you’re going to be an important part of your boyfriend’s life going forward (potentially the most important part), that means Alex is gonna be part of your life, too. So, your boyfriend may be mentioning Alex in an effort to normalize Alex’s presence — and your new boyfriend could be testing you. Because if you’re not the kind of guy who’s comfortable with his boyfriend being close with his ex, NEWBIE, you’re not the right guy for him.
Your feelings are valid, NEWBIE, and it’s possible your boyfriend has been hitting Alex a little too hard. Here’s what you can say to your new boyfriend that should cut down on the Alex talk without scaring him off: “Hey, I really like you and I’m excited about where this is going. I know it’s common for gay men to be friends with their exes and it’s a good sign about a guy — your friendship with Alex is totally a green flag — but hearing so much about Alex is making me feel insecure. I promise I’ll feel more comfortable hearing about Alex once the two of us have built up some history of our own.”
Whatever you do, NEWBIE, don’t make the mistake of ordering your new boyfriend to choose between you and his best friend. And who knows? You might like Alex once you meet him in person.
P.S. Hot exes make great thirds, because your boyfriend is less likely to leave you for someone he’s already left.
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