Whole Foods Daddy: Holiday Edition

We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

My boyfriend wants to teach me to ski. Is that illegal?

There are two types of people in this world: ski people and ski-ambivalent people. While ski people do comprise the majority of our town, they wear the attitude of an oppressed minority hobby: “The others, they just do not understand … yes, we must teach them.”

I hate to say it, but it’s a tacit hint that his love for you is conditional, and it is conditioned on you being a “ski person.” To your question, in addition to being emotionally manipulative and highly selfish of him, it is also considered false imprisonment and can be considered a felony in Colorado depending on how many hours of traffic on I-70 he’ll make you endure. 

Do I still need to water my outdoor plants when there’s no precipitation even though it’s cold? 

According to the most cutting edge research RFK Jr. supplies to the most lack-of-critical-thinking-ass men you know, bodies are able to *self-heal* if we’d only let them. Just like the mainstream media tells us that we need “sunscreen” and “vaccines” to thrive (uh, have you ever heard of nutrition and natural immunity??) they’ll also tell you plants still “need water” even when it’s vewy vewy cowd out.

As it turns out, the bodies of plants are like, soooo wise, and if they really craved water during those cold temperatures, they can actually just suck harder through their roots to really get all that groundwater! That’s the correct term, right? Don’t roots suck up water like straws? 

What’s the etiquette for making out at the Boulder Star? 

My only personal experience making out at the star was when it was re-lit during the first month of COVID lockdown to give us light in the darkness of what we were assured would be a very temporary situation, which doesn’t actually count as a true star-make-out experience. 

That being said, the same general etiquette applies to smooching at the star as smooching anywhere: start slow with tongue but then use a lot, Leave No Trace at the Flagstaff lookout and accept that Boulder High students are sucking face at the same time in uncomfortably close proximity. 

How can I become one with winter when single digits harsh my outdoorsy high? 

I have a hunch there is a mass delusion at hand in Boulder that would find you very much not alone in your sentiment. It can’t be that everyone who seemingly happily continues to do their normal adventure shit in the winter aren’t like, pretty uncomfortable all the time? No, I’m quite positive everyone actually feels the same, and a collective action problem prevents anyone from having the vulnerability to admit that being cold is hard, OK??

Or maybe Outdoor Research is actually as scientific as its name sounds and wearing an OR-branded hat makes you completely immune to low temps? Try this and report back.

Why do Californians shit a brick when the road gets wet? 

Are you tired of your SoCal friends always having “car trouble” when it’s their turn to drive to a rainy-night Gold Hill Inn show? Have some grace for their poor, anxious, 15 mph-on-mountain-roads hearts; Gavin Newsom has overregulated and coddled their precious nerves to the point that being faced with a little black ice up on the canyon shakes them to their Barre-honed little core. 

Need Boulder-related advice? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email [email protected] with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”