We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This special V-Day edition of our monthly advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries on love (especially the uncool ones).
How many dates is distasteful for a polyamorous person to go on for V Day?
To say something is distasteful is to enter a moral judgement on it — and if we’re all consenting adults here, then theoretically the limit does not exist, even though you might get weird looks from the SALT bartender when your fourth date buys your fourth old-fashioned-and-appy of the day.
Or, you could find a serious answer to this question in the Savage Love archives.
Should I keep in contact with that one Boulder boy that moved to Utah?
All it took was his real nice smile and penchant for amateur outdoor photography and you were down bad. But now he’s graduated from CU and you’re regretting lending him your copy of Desert Solitaire because he’s gone Full Abbey and moved to the actual desert.
Something about the angst of this question tells me you are baby, and baby, life is long. Before you know it, the Pasta Jay’s in Moab will remind him of Boulder (and your cute face), and oh look, an entry-level coder position just opened up at his buddy’s startup in Boulder.
What romantic gestures don’t feel cringey or corny? Is being in love inherently cringey and corny?
You could always try to retain your dignity by acting out corny gestures ironically: “Hey babe, I got you some ‘flowers’ from ‘King Soopers’ and then zhuzhed them up with some winter-browned sprigs from the trailhead that reminds of me our ‘first date’ to symbolize how our love exists both in the crass material plane but also in the private sphere of our own romantic imagination … Just kidding, haha, do you mind Venmo-ing me for dinner after you put these in a mason jar?”
But I also think dignity is overrated and that your vulnerability and open-heartedness shouldn’t give your person the ick, because remaining cool and falling in love are mutually exclusive.
How do I completely rid myself of love and emotion?
Feelings are quite overrated, as is eating them in the form of dried mango as you wait for a response to that risky text (the risky text in question: “How do you feel about going to Portal, but like, together?”). I won’t give you some pop-psychology, empath-girly take about how feeling everything so much is actually a blessing. No thank you, I’d rather be completely numb to the feeling I get from an incel pride parade of men destroying everything good about the government.
If you’re serious about this, a cocktail of edibles, ketamine and Celsius-powered ultra workouts cannot hold a candle to the ultimate “checking-out,” i.e. a lobotomy. Plus, terrible ideas from Kennedys are making a comeback.
What’s the most Boulder-ish V-Day date?
They really should have said “Boulder is for lovers,” because there is nothing like a place of overly permissive social norms and directionless striving to serve as the setting for you to be a simp and a clown, aka being in love. You could embody a classic Boulder archetype this Valentine’s Day by allowing your sense of self to be absorbed mind and body into your partner by misappropriating the Eastern religious practice of tantra.
Or perhaps you and your partner are united by a mutual need to enter an anaerobic state. The weak, carnal creatures can have their tantra; you and bb are happy to shove yourselves into utterly sexless spandex bike bibs and spend a day where the only thing touching your butt is the seat of your Bianchi.
But you, you forgot what day falls on Feb. 14 (POW day, amirite brother?) and are now at Piece, Love & Chocolate 10 minutes before closing feeling like a schmuck. Can confirm, you are kind of a schmuck, and now there are five other guys in the same boat with only one slice of flourless chocolate cake left, and you are a gamma male at best. Do not despair: The superlative date is a grumpy sushi dinner in the Whole Foods parking lot followed by a surprise smooshed macaron that turns into pistachio-flavored kisses. Just like Boulder, it’s kinda messy but with a tasteful amount of sweetness — and like this analogy, it might make you nauseous.
Top 3 Boulder sex positions
1. Dirty Chai with Oatmilk.
Your partner is a Trident barista, the beanie stays on, and something about the way the light hits the soles of your feet when you do that thing inspires a poem in a Trident-published zine.
2. The Intermittent Fast.
It’s been eight hours since either of you have eaten, with eight more to go. All you really need is a hit of dopamine and you might as well make each other feel good, even though you both know a donut would make you feel wayyy gooder. Per the name, you just gotta get there real fast.
3. The Sticky Pete’s.
It goes down in the Illegal Pete’s bathroom. You remember virtually nothing else, but in the morning you see that you and the bass player in a local jam band are now mutually following each other
Will you be my Boulder Valentine
Cut out these Whole Foods Daddy V-Day cards for that special someone
Got a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email letters@boulderweekly with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”