I’m a 37-year-old man with a 35-year-old partner. We are both cisgender gay men. Whatever physical/sexual intimacy we shared in the beginning of our nearly three-year relationship is long gone. He now tells me that he was “never really into” sex with a partner, but he felt compelled “to do it” because gay men are supposed to be sexual.
I never really thought of myself as a “sexual person” but this absence of it is so deeply felt that it feels like a major thing is missing. As a Scorpio, the idea of my partner not wanting sex with me makes me feel like, “If you can’t fuck me, then you don’t love me,” and that’s a whole spiral. Can you help?
— Sexual Needs Aren’t Getting Satisfied
Your boyfriend isn’t who you thought he was when you met him and — gonna be charitable here — your boyfriend isn’t who he thought he was either. So, whatever else might be working, you didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship.
Your sexual orientation (gay and allo) is every bit as valid as his sexual orientation (gay and ace), SNAGS, so you have every right to end things because he doesn’t fuck you the way Scorpios need to be fucked. (My official position: astrology is bullshit, SNAGS, but if blaming the stars makes it easier for you to end this relationship, blame the stars.)
P.S. It’s wonderful when someone realizes they’re polyamorous or asexual — who doesn’t want an angel to get her wings? — but the person they married (or partnered with) when they thought they were monogamous or allosexual isn’t obligated to accept an open relationship or a sexless one. Loving, supporting and staying is an option, of course, but loving, supporting and leaving is an equally valid option.
P.P.S. You might be able to make a companionate relationship work — you love each other, you fuck other people — but companionate relationships only work when both parties wanna make it work.
My wife and I are proud moms to our wonderful, dynamic 17-year-old trans son. He is a great kid, and we have always enjoyed a close relationship.
It has recently come to light that he is engaging in penetrative sex with men he meets on a gay hookup app. We discovered this because of bloody laundry which we thought was breakthrough bleeding, a trip to his gender doc and a subsequent chlamydia diagnosis.
Since this revelation — and after a lecture about safe-sex practices — I am now living in a state of terror. My instincts are telling me to take a leave from work, and whisk him away from the city and talk and talk until he sees the danger of this behavior. Is that an over-reaction?
— Manic Over My Son
Instead of locking your son in the basement for the next year, get him on PrEP, keep communicating, and let him know his moms are ready, willing and able to swoop in an emergency. Lecture him about regular STI testing, ask him where he’s going and who he’s seeing, and tell him — from me — that adult men who fuck teenagers can’t be trusted. Then go find him a therapist, if you haven’t already, who specializes in working with trans teens, and identify one or two adults in his life — people you know and trust — that your son can turn to for confidential advice.
The stage of life your child is going through — the transition from childhood to adulthood autonomy (which kids do without a fully functioning prefrontal cortex) — is filled with risk, and you can’t protect your child from all of it.
Zooming out for a second: The age of consent in Illinois is 17. I don’t wanna get derailed by a debate about whether that number is too low, but that’s the number. So, no laws were broken here. But policies were violated: your son is too young to be on Grindr or Scruff or Sniffies — you have to be 18 to get on those apps, and it’s inarguably far too easy for minors to get on them. And while meeting strangers is always risky, the apps are a normal part of gay life and they’re where most queer people find their partners, life and otherwise. Most gay and bi men I know under 35, both cis and trans, got on the apps the moment they turned 18; they had good and bad experiences and sometimes their moms had to get involved, but most survived and learned from their mistakes.
In addition to getting your son on PrEP right now and off the apps until he’s 18 (he agrees to phone spot checks or he loses his phone), you should encourage your son to recognize his own sexual worth. Some people jump at — or jump on — anyone who shows interest. One of the lessons your son should take from his experiences on the apps thus far is this: there are men out there who are interested in him.
Which means he can hold out for guys who aren’t just interested in him as a trans man, but also as a person; he can hold out for guys who will have a conversation with him about safety, not just guys who wanna know how soon he can get to their apartments; he can hold out for guys who might be interested in dating him, not just hooking up with him.
I’ve personally watched trans friends go from a scarcity mindset (“No one will want me, I have to take what I can get”) to an abundance mindset (“Lots of people want me, I can afford to be choosey”) and it transformed their lives.
Unfortunately for you and your son, it’s hard to draw a clean line between cis men who are attracted to trans men for the right reasons and cis men who fetishize trans men. (Your son has probably encountered both types already.) But not every man who is drawn to trans men is a fetishist. So, he’s going to meet some men who are attracted to everything about him — including the fact that he’s trans — and others who are only interested in him for one reason.
The sooner he learns to tell these guys apart, the better. And like all gay and bi men, your son is going to walk away from some experiences feeling used in ways that leave him feeling demeaned and dehumanized and walk away from others feeling used in ways that make him feel powerful and desirable. (And if he’s on PrEP before he walks in, you don’t have to worry about him walking out with a life-threatening STI.)
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