From the beginning, my boyfriend has struggled to cum from PIV with me and has to jack himself off in order to climax. He also never cum from my blowjobs or my hand jobs.
He says this has never been an issue for him in the past and the problem is that I lack sexual stamina. He says we have poor sexual chemistry. He has also said he can’t feel much during PIV sex and suggested I start doing kegels. He said this after I had already tried introducing toys, sexy outfits and having discussions about what he likes. I suggested he stop watching porn and that he should masturbate less and use a pocket pussy when he does to help loosen the death grip, as I cannot compete with what I see him doing when he jacks off. He refused. I feel like I have been making all the effort here and he isn’t making any effort at all.
Is this a problem I can solve on my own, or does he have some role to play here?
— Boyfriends Rejects All Sexual Suggestions
Jesus Christ, break the fuck up already.
While some men who suffer from death-grip syndrome (DGS) manage to retrain their dicks using pocket pussies and/or a lighter touch during masturbation, not all men who appear to have DGS actually have DGS. Just as some women require the sensations only a vibrator can provide in order get off, BRASS, some men require the kind of intense pressure only a fist can provide in order to get off. And just as women who rely on vibrators aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed, men who rely on their own hand to finish and/or get themselves to the point of orgasmic inevitability before plunging back aren’t broken and don’t need fixing either.
He doesn’t seem to be enjoying the sex he’s having with you anymore than you’re enjoying the sex you’re having with him. Unless you two share a secret kink for slowly shredding another person’s ego and sexual self-esteem, I can’t understand why you’re still fucking each other.
A lot of people assume that a male partner who needs to touch themselves to get off isn’t attracted to them or is somehow broken. But your boyfriend responded to your mistaken-but-made-in-good-faith “suggestions” with the most demeaning shit he could possibly say. If he didn’t feel any sexual chemistry and/or your pussy really didn’t do it for him, he could’ve and should’ve ended the relationship with a face-saving/ego-sparing banality (“It’s not you, it’s me”) or with the truth, gently told (“I don’t feel like we click on a sexual level”). Opting to blame your pussy was a choice — a mean-spirited and vindictive one.
My husband is into fetish and BDSM. I am not. I tag along with him to kink events and play parties — at his request — and sometimes play matchmaker by striking up conversations with guys he thinks are hot. The issue is that some of these guys only want to “play” with me or with us if we’re a package deal.
This doesn’t happen that often, but it hurts my husband’s feelings when it does and since he can’t take his disappointment out on some guy who walked away, he takes it out on me. He’s very socially awkward, which seems pretty common among the kinky gay men I’ve met through him, so he doesn’t want to go to these events alone. But I don’t want to go if he’s going to blow up at me because some random rubber twunk wasn’t into him. The have been plenty of times when I played matchmaker successfully and he wound up having a great time with someone, but he obsesses about the times he got rejected and will be — if I may be blunt — kind of an insufferable asshole about it for weeks. A big fetish event is coming up, and I have to decide whether to go and I’m leaning against it.
If it matters, I never play with anyone else, as I have a very low libido and I’m satisfied with the vanilla sex I have with my husband. So it’s not like I’m getting anything out of this sexually. I’m content to let him do his thing and to help out. I’m fine being the “bait,” I’m just sick of being the bad guy.
— Vanilla Whipping Boy
There’s a middle ground between going to these events with your husband to play the matchmaker and not going to these events at all — and that would be going to these events and refusing to play the matchmaker. But if you were to go to this upcoming event and chatted people up and didn’t include your husband in conversation, he’s almost guaranteed to blow up at you about that. I’m gonna suggest booking a session or two with a kink-positive couples’ counselor.
Hearing from someone else — hearing from a credentialed expert he’s paying hundreds of dollars to see — that he should be showering you with gratitude for tagging along to these events, not giving you grief when some rubber twunk isn’t into him, might help your husband realize how good he’s got it (you’re the good thing he’s got) even when he doesn’t get it (the rubber twunk who wasn’t interested).
Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love.