Savage Love: Feb. 1, 2024

Pegging, platonic love and choke play

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1. How do you tell the difference between when someone says they love you in a platonic way and when someone says they love you in a romantic way? 

Ask a direct question: “That’s nice —  but do you mean that platonically or do you mean that passionately? Like, do you just wanna hang out or do you wanna hang and fuck and hang out some more and fuck some more?” 

2. What is the best body-safe material for pegging toys that’s compatible with silicone-based lube? 

“Normally my top choice for pegging is 100% silicone toys, but we usually recommend only using them with water-based lube,” said Searah Deysach, the owner of Chicago’s sex-toy shop Early to Bed. “But silicone-lube-compatible toys like glass, hard plastic and steel are not ideal for pegging with a harness as they have no flexibility. So, you have two options if you’re wedded to the idea of silicone lube. You can roll an unlubricated condom over your silicone toy to protect it from the lube or you can do a small patch test of your preferred lube on your silicone toy to see if it affects the surface. But be warned: Some toy warranties are void if you use silicone lube on them!” 

3. I have a would-be lover. We’ve talked. We’ve texted. But we haven’t acted on anything. It’s been so long that I’ve had a chance to do anything like this — I spent decades in a sexless marriage — that I’m afraid I don’t know how to do this anymore. And given that I’m in menopause, things don’t quite feel the same in that area. Any tips to get me back in the saddle? 

I think you would benefit from reading Dr. Jen Gunter’s invaluable book The Menopause Manifesto. Also, I would urge you to explore that area solo — your vulva, your clit, your vagina — before acting on anything with your would-be lover. And by, “explore that area solo,” what I mean is, “masturbate like crazy, using toys and lubes, and discover what feels good and works for you now so you can share that with your would-be lover when the time is right.”  

4. What does it mean if you straight and you gay friend seduces you and you like it that means you gay too right 

could mean you gay or could mean you bi or pan or flex but doesn’t mean you can’t still identify as straight if straight feels like it comes closest to reflecting your usual desires, erotic targets, romantic interests, etc. 

5. I recently began dating a man who likes choking me as much as I like being choked. A few days after some rough choking, I developed a severe sore throat. Could this have been caused by the choking or is it a coincidence? Additionally, what are the risks if I let him choke until I pass out for a second? 

The risk for you: not waking up. The risk for him: going to prison. Look, choking is dangerous and choking “play” should only involve simulated or symbolic choking. The kind of throttling that leaves you with a sore throat days later — to say nothing of being choked out — is extremely dangerous. Please stop. 

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