Dear Whole Foods Daddy: April 2024

Your burning Boulder questions, asked and answered


We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

How can I stop myself from being a cliche Boulder Boi? 

I’m going to pretend you’re asking this rhetorically, as in: “How can I stop myself from staring at everyone’s junk during yoga when it’s a hip-opening class?” 

The answer to both these questions is the same: Do not resist what is natural and inescapable — gaze helplessly at all the crotches, and feel yourself succumb to the joy of being a privileged, predictable dude in Boulder. 

Or, if you’re actually asking: Sit on your ass in a polo shirt, I guess? 

WHERE IS THERE TO DANCE IN BOULDER ANYMORE?? Ecstatic dance is not a valid option.

My child, you are lost because you look for dancing among the hot, young bodies who would rather languish away on the rooftop of Avanti than shake their asses. You should instead look to the hot, older bodies who’ve been getting down all over Boulder and each other for 40 years. Ditch your stationary friends with their overpriced cocktails and dance with a dad at a Long Run concert or with a spun ’n’ groovy mom at a Grateful Dead tribute show. Or take a contra dancing class at the Avalon to learn a form of line-based folk dancing, but know that everyone there will have 50 years on you and be so much better. 

RIP Tahona and Supermoon: I hope God does not judge us for what we did on those dance floors. 

How do I get my van life man to take me back? 

Normally, giving someone advice on how to get a man to “take them back” would go against everything I believe in, right up there with “how to tastefully style dreadlocks as a soulful white guy.” 

But wait, he lives in his car you say? Well then, full speed ahead to Simp City, we’re gonna Get Him Back! Time to hit him with a triple offensive: Start by hanging out with a divorced dad who owns a $50,000 sprinter van. Then, post a coy but still kinda nakey picture of yourself in your bathtub — make sure that toilet, sink and all comforts exclusive to house-living are clearly visible. Finally, seal the deal by finding a clearly abandoned piece of his tupperware at your place and texting him at 11:57 p.m., “heyy do you want this??” 

Why are there so many boys wearing suits on the Hill?

“Must be a Turning Point USA meet-up or a douchebro pride parade, lol!” Dumb jokes aside, some serious research brought me to a serious answer to this question, and it’s far more absurd than any joke I could make.

According to my youthful sources, the boys in suits are freshmen undergoing a frat haze, and they can’t take off those suits for a week, even to sleep. 

How many portals exist in the Flatirons?

Glad you asked! As of April 2024, three such portals exist, but check the City of Boulder OSMP website regularly for updates. 

Portal 1: You teleport to the altar of a brokenhearted lil’ momma who’s out here casting amateur spells to get her van life man back.

Portal 2: Inexplicably, you’re transported to waking up on a semi-stranger’s couch, and you’re once again an aimless recent CU post-grad in 2018. You tiptoe over sleeping bodies and slip out into Sunday morning, pondering the legendary night you barely remember, and walk to Lolita’s for coffee and a breakfast sammy for the hangover. Life is a hot mess, but an old man who walks by lets you pet his dog and you both share a smile.

Portal 3: Entering this portal simply takes you two miles farther up the trail, but that section is a real quad-burner so it helps a lot. 

Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”