We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
Where are all the hot 30-somethings without kids?
You can find the Longmont DINKs thriving and cooking dinner together in the house they own, and if you’re lucky they’ll invite you over for the Broncos game on Sunday.
But you’re probably asking about the single ones — and good lord, there’s a reason those miserable bastards are single. It’s actually pretty easy to be hot without the life commitment of offspring, and it’s a sad consolation prize in the deathmatch of natural selection. To answer your question, they’re probably at a Jeff and Paige concert with their friends-with-kids, getting toasted off a Topo Chico Ranch Water and shaking their ass to “The Bobcat Walk.” Honestly though, bless, because Jeff and Paige are fucking awesome.
Is getting hit by a Rivian the new American dream?
Once upon a time, every gal dreamed of being Jennifer Lopez getting saved by Matthew McConaughey (a truly Naropa-coded human) from a runaway dumpster in The Wedding Planner. These days, we’re saddled with our generation’s grim nihilistic humor, always making jokes about maybe wanting to get hit by a truck haha not really but also then I wouldn’t have to pay rent…
So now, now we all wait for the day that a nouveau-riche Boulderite blissed out on ketamine backs their haphazardly-parked Rivian out of the Beleza parking lot and straight into us, scattering our avocados and landing us ass-up on the black top. Lying dazed on the ground, our consciousness fades, and a final thought crosses our mind: Did I wear panties today?
Why am I seeing ads with Coach Prime selling California Almonds as workout recovery?
I must break it to you: The ads are based on your social media activity, my friend. There’s a reason my Instagram ads are all $30 bamboo underwear or attractive dudes in Cotopaxi. What I’m saying is the algorithm knows you, and it knows you probably have a thing for Coach Prime — and there’s no shame in that, because at the end of the day he’s just a #hotdad. And not just a Hot Dad, but a Hot Dad that even heteronormative CU dads shamelessly crush on from September to November.
Or am I going about this all wrong, and you’re actually asking why such ads exist? I mean this with the utmost respect to Hot-Dad Coach Prime, but those almond ads are kinda odd, and he is (respectfully) a kinda odd dude.
Why do I keep accidentally dating ultra runners?
I have the strangest feeling that you keep accidentally dating ultrarunners the way I keep accidentally getting my hand stuck in the dried mango bulk bin and pulling it out with mango samples attached to it. But I get it — the strong legs and booty, the fragile upper-body build, the need to violently disassociate from one’s emotions by running, like, way too much — it’s so sexy.
Maybe the real question is why do they keep dating you. Are you way too chill with the fact that they would rather go SO FAST through an aspen grove than eat ass have the Nederland leaf-peeping moment you planned for Sunday? But it’s definitely OK; maybe your friend Emma can go with you instead. 🙂
But there it is — you both love the pain, whether it’s the miles or the miles on the heart, baby!
What’s the best Boulder Halloween costume?
Just like a sensitive Boulder man with his hand over his heart talking about intention, the best costume depends on your purpose. Waited until the last minute and happen to have a slight frame, beard and leg tats? You’re actually just one Boxcar-espresso-in-hand away from being the ultra-runner situationship we just can’t quit. Trying to win a “most tasteless Halloween costume” competition against the CU frat boy dressed as Chief Niwot? He’s no match for your prairie dog in a plague doctor mask! Oh wait, yeah he’s still way more tasteless, congrats.
Honorable mentions: Coach Prime (this is only an option for actual Deion Sanders); slutty sexy Allen Ginsberg during his Naropa years; sexy green vest McGuckins employee (but it’s just dressing as a normal green vest McGuckins guy because they’re inherently sexy and so, so happily married).
Got a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”