We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
Why do men all want tiny women?
Regardless of whether or not this is actually true, what is certain is that if you’re a big gal like yours truly (all 5’10” of me fellas!), it certainly feels like you’re constantly being passed over for petite yoga instructors who look especiewwy wittle in their big dumb flat-brim hats. Oh look, their Jacob Elordi-sized boyfriend is getting some teeny wittle thing from Wonder for her, how adowable.
The mothers of tall girls will offer empty condolences: “Oh, they’re just intimidated by your height!” However, I offer you something far realer, and hotter: the secure short kings. In addition to being excellent boulderers, they’re also used to dating taller women out of necessity. Many a ripped arborist whose below-average height and impossibly toned bod makes him suited for getting the highest branches will happily climb that big tree that’s been overlooked by the tall fellas, if you know what I mean.
Where are all the cowgirls?
Every “intellectual” Boulder bro’s best accessory is a carefully weathered copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues that he will aggressively read to himself in the general direction of bookish li’l mommas. (I promise, if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, it is entirely possible for dudes to aggressively read Tom Robbins.)
Here’s the unsexy reality Robbins’ visions of crunchy, unshaved goddesses at the Rubber Rose Ranch did not prepare you for: If you want to find the actual cowgirls, they’re at the Grizzly Rose with their boyfriend Camden, and they probably want to make America great again.
What’s the next “milk”?
1. Milk from cows who forgo hormonal birth control and track their cycles like God intended.
2. An insidiously potent fermented raw-milk beverage that a Trident barista brought to their shift for a work snack, which found its way to the fridge behind the counter to be mistakenly grabbed by another extremely stoned barista who then proceeds to use it in espresso drinks, slapstick comedy-style. Hilarity ensues.
3. Remember when bros used to chug Kalona Supernatural Whole Chocolate Milk to gain weight? Can we bring this back?
Where are the young, ambitious people here? Can only find outdoor hedonists or wooks.
Do you watch (moisturized, in-their-lane) young folks scrambling the Flatirons or tangled in the limbs of their lovers, losing themselves in lazy Js smoked on the banks of the Boulder Creek, and think to yourself, “Hmm, there’s a certain amount of ‘toil’ missing here?”
Maybe you can find some joyless brethren of the tech persuasion in the nooks of Galvanize or whatever the latest co-working space is. Don’t count on ever making friends with a Google employee, though; they tend to stay cloistered in their compound on 30th and Pearl, only briefly emerging for a quick mid-day smoothie bowl from Whole Foods.
But the outdoor wooks you derided? Plenty of them will get down with a David Goggins podcast, or try to YouTube-biohack their way into fitness or getting rich quick with crypto, or boosting their sperm count. Elevate your tribe, elevate your vibe, bro! #motivation #nooffdays #thegrindneverends #imissherveryday
What is the latest insane health food/diet trend in Boulder so I can try it?
Like with any good fad, we’re going back to basics baby. You can keep your rigid, vain “daddies” — I’ll take the ancient wisdom of Boulder dads. They can be viewed in all their nerdy majesty cruising down the bike path along Broadway to their jobs at NIST, gears-side pants leg velcroed for safety. They are models of hardcore moderation. No macro-tracking guides their eating habits; they snack on discount trail mix and their wife’s cookies frequently and without guilt. No Strava records exist of their hikes up the Valley Trail. The only evidence of their labor is their fucking ripped calves and the small smile of the wilderness on their faces when they return home.
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”