Every season brings another Outside Magazine guide promising that you too can be as attractive and comfortable as their rugged male centerfolds while sending it in those winter temps. Somehow the answer always involves buying more Gore-Tex and layers with increasingly specific purposes — ultra-light-base/mid layer for late October/first week of November low-elevation bouldering? Sweetie, you mean a long-sleeve shirt??
It seems like the good folks at Outside and whoever at Patagonia has the enviable job of dreaming up which bougie meals to make as a dehydrated product — which, and I mean this in the best way possible, looks like human-grade kibble — have you covered in the wilderness.
But what about you? You’re just a plebe trying to stay warm and not get RSV half a dozen times while living in a mid-sized, highly desirable mountain town. I can’t tell you how to go *checks article* “Ice sheet camping in Greenland,” but this guide will ensure you emerge from winter in Boulder as not-dead.
Embrace the body hair
I know what you’re thinking: ‘But who will see my sexy, unshaved pits under all my winter layers? Isn’t it better to have sexy, unshaved pits in the summer when you can show them off in a pair of overalls like the cutest Naropa pixie dream girl who has never even heard of a bra?’
For once, having body hair won’t only make you more attractive, it will help you conserve precious, fleeting heat that is key to survival in the winter. It has been scientifically proven that not taking off any body hair will keep you from fucking freezing to death because your eco-warrior roommate River refuses to keep the house above 50 degrees.
Bear Girl Winter
Does anyone remember who the “it girl” in the outdoors social media landscape was this year? Was it some badass climber chick who makes your casual enjoyment of touching plastic at Boulder Rock Club seem like a total waste of time? Was it an outdoor influencer who sends V11s with an ass that won’t quit but also seems like she has her life together? And does everyone’s boyfriend have to follow her on Instagram? But, like, it’s totally fine, she doesn’t make me insecure at all…
No, it was Grazer, a.k.a. Bear 128, a.k.a. winner of the wholesome Fat Bear Week contest that literally everyone and their mom can get on board with.
Fat is not just cute — it is literally life-saving for hibernating bears, and life-affirming for the lil momma who suddenly finds herself under two sweaters in her office and easily demolishing an entire Illegal Pete’s burrito with room for more as the days grow shorter. In all seriousness, listen to your body if it wants to pack on a few in the winter, because it’s normal, healthy and frankly adorable.
Turn to the wisdom of wellness aisle crones
Whether it be a yeast infection, Qi stagnation or a mystery ailment likely caused by “hormones,” there are few health quandaries that cannot be solved by a walk down the supplement aisles of Natural Grocers to visit the most powerful of Boulder witches. The gray goddesses working in grocery store wellness departments not only know which herbs will heal you, but also which supplement brands are 15% off that week and, unlike our Paul Saladino-coded Health Secretary, will tell you when you need to go to an actual doctor.
Find somebody to *hold space* for your freak
It’s highly generous to call this cuffing season, and for your future timing purposes, cuffing season peaks in mid-October along with the number of niche squash varieties available. Last year, we said that with enough resilience, you could overwinter in Boulder alone just fine.
Well, we just had an election, and this really sucks! Trying to go it alone will probably find you in a current-events-podcast spiral of doom, so it’s time to desperately sift through the dregs of Boulder singles like the coffee grounds in the compost you know is where your AirPod went, and find comfort in sex, love or simply a body to distract you from another horrifying cabinet nomination.
1. Practice safe cuddling
Is the spiritual bro who asked for your social media handle at Portal in your DMs again with offers of cuddles? He may have had some bad takes on vaccines, but you were a little distracted by those spiritually ripped biceps. Spiritual bros are all about the snuggles, so take him at his word and do your part to MCLNGA (Make Cuddling Leading to Nothing Great Again)!
While those of us with uteruses find the thought of a national abortion ban to be libido-ending, I assure you that snuggling can be a highly effective form of birth control, as long as you leave some room for the Holy Ghost whatever deity mandates spiritual bro’s semen retention practice.
2. Country roads, take me to pound town
After finally connecting to her Bluetooth speaker after trying for 10 sexy minutes, you better nail that playlist — and who better to soundtrack some groovy times than the Marvin Gaye of the Rocky Mountains, Johnny D? No way, you scoff: John Denver is cheesy as hell! Isn’t Greg Isakov the superlative Colorado-coded “get-it-on” music? No, my friend: What makes John Denver so cheesy is his open-hearted sentimentality and romantic vulnerability, and any man sensitive enough to see that must also be a gentle and thoughtful lover.
Also, you can only pretend to be seduced by dudes playing “Amsterdam” so many times.
3. Give poly a try
So, you’ve missed the train on Boulder singles, but wait — there’s still another train that hasn’t left the station. That’s right, it’s the ENM (or ethical non-monogamy) train, and it has something it would like to process with you.
Remember Dan and Elise, the kinda-nerdy, kinda-cute couple at the St Julien Hotel bar who bought you some cocktail your poor ass could never afford? (DINK life, baby!) If you weren’t so oblivious, you’d have realized they weren’t just down to chat about the uselessness of hot takes and infighting on the political left — they were also down to take you home for some adult activities followed by sex.
Oh, you thought the adult activities were sex? No, just more processing! And while your risk of getting hurt in the scenario is low, there’s a high probability you will come out of it with tattoos and a highly sophisticated, overly complicated emotional vocabulary.