I’m a queer cis woman in my late 30s with a problem: I don’t like having my pussy eaten. At best, I get close but eventually plateau, which is frustrating. At worst, it feels slimy, like a slug exploring my genitals. But the actual problem for me is modern men. They are obsessed with eating pussy and get very pouty when you don’t think it’s the best. I tried dating a couple of men who “don’t eat pussy,” but those men didn’t seem to care at all about getting a woman off. And while I’m queer, it feels like cunnilingus is even more important when you’re hooking up with other women/AFABs.
I feel like faking it with new partners and enjoying my actual orgasms alone would be easier than opening about this to new people. Being treated like a freak has turned sex, which is supposed to be fun, into something that makes me feel bad about myself.
Any advice would be appreciated. At the very least, Dan, maybe you could make a public service announcement telling people that being GGG for a cis woman doesn’t just mean eating her pussy, it means showing a genuine interest in who she is as an individual sexual being.
— Wish I Liked Licks
Not everyone likes receiving oral! People are allowed to dislike things! Even things most people like! Being GGG means listening to people when they tell you what they like!
I hope that helps, WILL, but since PSAs never reach 100% of their target demo, you’ll still have to tell new partners you dislike receiving oral sex.
Pro-tip: don’t string weak-ass words together into mealymouthed statements like, “Sometimes I get close from oral but I’ve never gotten off from oral and there are other things we could do if that’s okay?” Some men are highly likely to interpret a statement like that as a cry for help. Many of them may have been with women in the past who were uncomfortable with their own genitals and/or had never been with a guy who loved eating pussy, WILL, and thanks to their persistence — in offering oral over and over again — dozens or hundreds of other women overcame their hangups and discovered that they loved being on the receiving end of oral sex.
That is how it sometimes goes down. But that’s not how it’s gonna go down for you.
You don’t have issues with how your pussy looks, smells, or tastes and you’ve been with plenty of men who loved eating pussy. You’ve given it a try — again and again and again — and it’s not for you. So, when you’re with a new sex partner, WILL, you need to hammer that point home with a clear and emphatic statement like this: “You’re one of the good guys — I hate straight guys who don’t go down on women — but plenty of people who were really good at eating pussy have gone down on me and it does nothing for me. Not only doesn’t it turn me on, it turns me the fuck off. And that’s not what either of us is here for. So, about those fingers of yours…”
My partner and I have been dating for almost a year, and everything's been amazing. He really wants me to get into anal play. Early in our relationship, we tried, but I was on a medication that made me nauseous, so it was unpleasant. I'm no longer on that medication.
He hasn't pushed the subject since, until the other day when he tried to insert a plug without much warning. I told him I need more comfort and preparation before we dive into that kind of play. I also confessed I've been dealing with some GI issues. He made it clear that he eventually wants to fuck my ass with his giant cock, and he seems to think I'm not trying hard enough. To be fair, I haven't done much solo exploration with plugs. He mentioned that not progressing with anal could be a dealbreaker for him.
Is that fair?
— Advice Negotiating Anal Leeway
Anything can be a dealbreaker — and Liz Lemon never said dealbreakers had to be fair. But dealbreakers cut both ways. Meaning, your partner is free to say, “I’m gonna break up with you if I can’t fuck your ass with my giant dick,” ANAL, but you’re free to say to him, “If you pressure me to do things that don’t feel good, I’m gonna dump your ass before we can figure out whether your dick feels good in mine.”
As prices of admission go, ANAL, having butt sex that doesn’t feel good is too steep a price to pay. Going without anal sex, on the other hand, is a price many have paid to be with someone they loved. If your “amazing” new partner with the giant dick isn’t willing to contemplate going without anal for you, he probably doesn’t deserve your ass.
P.S. To make someone feel excited about exploring anal sex, you have to make them feel physically and emotionally safe. Shoving a toy into someone’s ass without warning is a great way to make them feel physically unsafe; threatening to break up with someone if they can’t take your giant dick up their ass is a great way to make them feel emotionally unsafe. If your boyfriend can’t see that he’s doing this all wrong, ANAL, it’s not just your ass he can’t be trusted with.
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