The next two days are scientifically the longest two days of the year, and don’t simply take my word for it. Just ask a NIST scientist … oh wait, DOGE does not allow them to respond to external inquiries at this time.
What I’m trying to say is that the first Boulder Farmers Market of the year is in two days omgomg. I hope your Free People maxi skirt is thrifted and your crop top is itty-bitty, because that ‘fit better leave no crumbs when you’re competing with a Black Cat Farm employee who looks like a literal American Apparel model.
In the meantime, this advice column is here to hold space for you and your Boulder Farmers Market queries (especially the uncool ones).
How TF do I get a BF at the farmer’s market?
So many reader questions were about tryna get some market you-know-what, and I must say: This is a family-friendly market, have you no shame?? Get your head out of the gutter, the Jeff and Paige show is about to start! If only they weren’t literally singing about the birds and the bees. Uh … look, how wholesome! There are some new age dads dancing with their kiddos to Trevor Hall songs in the grass. Is it just me or are they all really … hot??
Be it the bouquets of yonic lilies, the sensual, voluptuous ridges of the most curvaceous heirloom tomatoes, or the downright sexual Palisade peaches, you’re justifiably horned up! There’s nothing when you’re feeling thirsty like the Eldorado Water booth, where the sicko working there forces your parched ass to sip from cups made for ANTS. (Sidenote: You know who else thinks those tiny cups are fucked up? Earth Man, probably. Yeah, he’s there too.)
What I’m trying to say is that you should guard the Eldorado Water from hot dudes and only let them use it if they’ll go on a date with you.
When are the veggies a rip off?
I know the feeling — you felt like a proper Brigid, goddess of the harvest, when you stocked TF up at the market, but then the eternal craving for Whole Foods by-the-slice pizza struck and you needed to make an Ideal Market run, squirreling away your market produce deep in your tote. You shouldn’t have looked, but now the $0.99/lb new potatoes mock your foolishly bougie ways.
Being ripped off, however, is a state of mind: Think of the extra cost as a tax for the sense of superiority you gained by supporting local farmers. Plus, the Whole Foods cashiers never throw in an extra garlic bunch for the see-through maxi skirt and black panties.
How do you respectfully shoot your shot with the hot farmer selling you organic kale?
It’s generally unethical to shoot your shot with anyone serving you while they’re on the clock, where the pressures of customer service could create the unpleasant choice of accepting a date with someone they’re not into or risk offending you, the customer, who is legendarily always right.
Oh wait, this is supposed to be a funny advice column. Uhh … buy the kale and then come back to the stand with nothing on but two lacinato fragments covering your nipples (How are they staying on? Highland Honey samples, duh) and seductively purr, “Hey baby, guess what else you should probably wash before eating but definitely won’t?”
Tips for creating a farmer’s market supper of your dreams
- Become a creature of the (Wednesday) night (market)
If the Saturday morning market feels too “Oh my god I am way too high to be this overstimulated right now,” the Wednesday night one is its more intimate, Indica-coded sister. Shopping for dinner on an empty stomach is also an enticingly Euro exercise in bad decision-making.
- Sample the unsampleable
Everyone knows buying the first carrots of the season is some messed up Russian roulette: You’re either biting into a sweet crispy-boi or gagging on an overwintered, totally mid tuber that feels like chomping down on a climbing shoe. No samples? Demand one; you’re worth it.
- Text your dinner date
“Cooking bad. Bby girl hungry. Papusa gooood.”
Got a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email letters@boulderweekly.com with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”