We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).
Why are his roommates nicer to me than my own friends?
There is a special relationship in every gal’s life, and it’s between her and that guy Jordan who walks in on her peeing at least once a month. Unlike the emotionally intense relationships between girlfriends, the roommate/roommate’s S.O. relationship is as loose and easy as the standards of cleanliness for their house. Was there some sexual tension the first time you noticed that goofy, wake-n-bake Jordan was, like, totally jacked after he came out of the shower in just a towel? Sure! Jacked and so off-limits, which means you now have TWO dudes to ensure that you never learn how to fix anything on your bike yourself.
Best first date spots?
The St Julien hotel. You and your date spend the day pulling some Eloise-at-the-Plaza ass shit, culminating in a night of carnal, room service-fueled ecstasy in the suite you scammed a traveling businessman out of.
University Bicycles at 2 p.m. on a Thursday. “Kind of an unorthodox spot, huh?” teases your date what’s-his-face (literally cannot remember his name). “Haha yeah, I just thought we should come here instead of a cliche Bitter Bar date!!” you say, willing yourself to believe it. Deep down, you know it’s because Bitter Bar doesn’t have your former situationship Mat-with-one-T and calf tattoos working the afternoon Thursday bike mechanic shift. Sure, maybe you’re technically using what’s-his-face, but he should be grateful he doesn’t need to pay for your mezcal Negroni.
The workplace of your *favorite* female bartender. Does she know this is a date? Not yet, but the fact that you’ve ordered three whiskey sours in the past hour and you’ve asked her about her sign, her relationship status and what dreams of hers you could support beyond her menial service job should be tipping her off. First date? Maybe the first … in this lifetime. 😉 Her furtive, anxious glances to her manager reveal her intimidation and attraction to you.
I made eye contact with a girl in my CU class. What colors would be good for our wedding?
What class was it? School and Society (EDUC 3013)? Was she cute in an Ella Emhoff but sloppier kind of way? Did it happen when her book bag fell open and you helped pick up the contents, which included a marshmallow vape, a half-eaten Snarf’s sammie and a clearly unread copy of Paulo Freire’s Pedagogy of the Oppressed? Surely such a goddess must have countless suitors fuckboys in the wings, ready and waiting to not text her back. No, but this was special, because her beauty was as melancholy and striking as Boulder Creek in November, and just as fragrant with weed — and the look she gave you might as well have screamed, “He definitely knows I’m high.”
Seafoam Green ##9FE2BF, with undertones of Chicory Brown #362511.
Why do the people I date move away?
Wow, so you’re a real life Good Luck Chuck but for breaking Chief Niwot’s curse? But really, if you’re saying that your sweet lovin’ has the power to make anyone move out of Boulder, then someone needs to call up Boulder City Council, the NIMBYs, the Housing Coalition, the landlords and the socialists — we’ve solved Boulder’s housing crisis! Actually, can you please date everyone you can, especially if they drive a Rivian and have a gentrifier haircut?
Do you think King Soopers and Safeway should be allowed to merge?
This is not technically asking for advice, unless … wait, is this Denver District Court Judge Andrew J. Luxen, who is presiding over the Kroger-Albertson’s merger case and will release his ruling any day? Glad you wrote in, your honor!
My take? Fuck no!
I was going to make a joke about needing lower King Soopers prices since we will need to digestively medicate for collectively shitting ourselves for the next four years after the election. That feels tonally weird right now. What brings me hope are the people who worked their asses off knocking doors and volunteering in other ways leading up to the election. If you didn’t, why not? Why didn’t I? Once you think about the answer, my wish is that we make an intention on an individual level to take action to care for one another, not in a soft way but a hard way, and fight the monstrous forces at play in small ways every day. And like, touch grass in Boulder today, ya know?
Got a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or email [email protected] with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”