We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girlies doesn’t cut it. And with September sneaking up like your kefir’s expiration date or your early 30s, summer abundance mindset turns to summer scarcity mindset. When you need to optimize your summer fun but don’t know how, turn to an “insider” who has no idea what they’re talking about, i.e. someone who makes memes in their spare time.
It’s been six years since I left Boulder. Do I return before summer is out to visit the horrors?
For you, six years has been quite the glow-up, and you think it might be time to show Boulder what he’s been missing. Go ahead, send Boulder that risky text: I’m going to be in town, let’s maybe catch up over coffee. I hear that Creature Comforts is pretty cute? Maybe you’ve gained a few tattoos, and Boulder has gained a Google, but that stubborn chemistry remains.
However, after a few days with your ex, Boulder, you remember that some memories are sweetest when they remain just that. You grew out of him when you realized you could also live happily in Portland or Austin without shaving your legs, and he outgrew you when your landlord raised your rent by a third to account for rising property taxes. That is to say, sometimes it’s worth a visit to remember why you’re no longer an item.
I just want a legit place to get a healthy green smoothie without having to get the ingredients myself. Please don’t suggest Wonder or Jamba Juice.
Ohhh, so you’re too good for gagging on unblended chunks of banana in your Jamba Juice, or for blowing your paycheck at Wonder only to come away with a turmeric-stained mouth and an eating disorder you didn’t know you had? Well … fine, valid. You could try your luck at Thrive, but that’s really more for the heady experience.
I’m going to ignore the “healthy green” part of your question because beggars can’t be choosers. However, I happen to know that Jungle makes some really lovely smoothies containing enough Coco Lopez to give you diabetes and enough rum to numb the trauma of unblended banana in your mouth.
Do I have to wear a bra to shop at Ideal Market?
For years, I lived mere blocks from Ideal Market, a quaint independent grocery store that stands in stark contrast to the sinister and corporate Whole Foods. More days than not I went in looking like a slutty sloth, but that’s neither here nor there. Because you’re clearly asking for permission to not wear a bra at Ideal, I assume your breasts and bras have a relationship of formality rather than function. This being the case, you actually have an obligation to not wear one. No feeling on Earth can match the high of being in the frozen aisle of Ideal on a hot, late August day with nothing but a thrifted Free People top between your nips and the outside world, save maybe the feeling on July 21 when your mom texted you the Biden tweet.
WFD Back to School Fashion Guide
For the CU undergrad
Ugh, CU is truly a place of gross conformity, where frat boys wear their uniform of salmon shorts and white ankle socks and Hokas. But not you, self-identified jam band-lovin’ nature boy. I promise, if you enter your dorm equipped with a petrified pinecone necklace, an Eldorado water jug and a tastefully seasoned copy of Desert Solitaire, not one single other boy you meet will have this same exact persona. Neither will they share in your unique scheming and dreaming to turn an organic chemistry major into a career in psychedelic mushroom therapy research.
For the Naropa grad student
Don’t let Naropa’s reputation for regular classroom meditation and conscious communication lead you into complacency; if your ’fit isn’t better than everyone else’s, then you are nothing, you are garbage. That being said, with a few essential elements, you’re going to be good to go. The bigger the parachute pants, the better, especially if your top half is scantily clad enough to show off your full back tattoo that a well-meaning white mom might describe as “ethnic.” Throw a leather buckle-y, pouch-y situation over all that and you’re golden. The vibes we’re going for are “horniest dad at the ecstatic dance” or “most spun trust-funder at Nahko Medicine for the People.”
For the outdoor educator
The sexiest occupation in Boulder is not rock gym employee or a cannabis entrepreneur: It is outdoor educator, a vague term that applies to Waldorf teacher and nature camp counselor alike. And like the sexiest among us, the outdoor educator should take their fashion cues from actual babies; I’m talking onesies, folks. Functional rompers, Carhartt overalls from McGuckin, anything that requires you to fully undress to pee in the woods. After you throw a bandana on your hair and cover your exposed skin with some ghostly mineral sunscreen, ultra-wealthy Boulder moms will practically throw their high-maintenance kiddos at you for the summer.
Finish out summer like a Boulder insider
It will soon be Sept. 30, and all that you will have left of summer are hazy memories of nights trying to convince yourself that getting wasted off silly cocktails on Pearl Street was the best way to spend your one wild and precious life. I get it: In a town like Boulder, where everyone is striving to get off the beaten path, all paths can get pretty slutty. I can’t promise you the most secret places like the queer-fem orgy with the Telegram-only invite list, but a few spots still exist where you can feel like you’re bucking the mainstream. And, yeah, maybe forgoing the substances will show you how mind-blowingly intense a sober experience can be.
Come thirsty to Harlequin’s Gardens
The best part of summer is objectifying unconventionally hot, granola Boulder men. Before the PC Police pipe up, let me say that any guy who is wearing capris and hasn’t showered in days is clearly asking to be (respectfully) leered at. But where to find a dirt-daddy now that techbros have permanently occupied the Pearl bars and Sturtz & Copeland has moved? Just a short drive east of town, you’ll find a paradise of heirloom varietals and xeriscaping expertise, where literally every man owns his own permaculture LLC, knows the difference between compost tea and compost, and can dirty-talk to you (hehe) about regenerative agriculture all night long.
Nourish your third eye at Thrive
If you’re looking for a fun way to spend the last couple weeks of summer, that’s about the amount of time it takes to make a smoothie at Thrive, ayo! I jest: Yes, the gentlefolk working at the all-organic, vegan raw food hotspot operate on a timeline far more ancient and cosmic than our own, but that’s fine because it gives you plenty of time to flip through the book of abstract yoni art on the counter.
Slip into a (naked) dream in Dream Canyon
In darker days, Dream Canyon was known as a safe spot for gay men to meet up with each other free from the danger of prying eyes. Now that the gay experience in Boulder is more under threat from the crushing oppression of bland heteronormativity, Dream Canyon has gained a modern-day reputation as a popular climbing area and nudist hotspot. Is it as untouched and esoteric a place as it once was? No, but as with Boulder in general, that’s OK. Few things truly special can remain secret, and if you can stomach sharing the terrain with the crude masses, the things that matter will still be there: namely tight, naked asses and magic mountain sunsets.