Dear Dan: Someone at work — not my boss — asked me to fuck his wife. He’s a nice guy, his wife is hot, and I’m single. This is a first for me. Besides STI status, what questions should I ask?
— Help Interested Straight Boy Understand Lust’s Limitations
Dear: HISBULL; 1. “Are you a cuckold or is this a hotwife thing?” (Considering your sign-off, HISBULL, either you’ve assumed he’s a cuckold or he’s told you he is one. If he is a cuck, he may want dirty texts and pictures — or he’ll want to be in the room where it happens. Is that okay with you?)
2. “Have you done this before?” (The reality of another person sleeping with your up-to-now-monogamous spouse can dredge up intense emotions, e.g., jealousy, sadness, anger, rage. If they’ve done this before and enjoyed it, you can jump right in. If they haven’t, maybe start with a make-out session at a time or in a place where you can’t progress to sex.)
3. “Can I speak directly with your wife?” (You’ll want to make sure she isn’t doing this under duress and that she’s into you, and you’ll want to independently verify the things he’s told you about their arrangement, health, experiences, etc.)
Dear Dan: I recently started seeing a gorgeous 24-year-old woman who’s smart and sweet and also happens to have a few out-there fetishes. There’s not much I’ll say no to, Dan, but one of the things she’s into is formicophilia (a sexual interest in being crawled on or nibbled by insects). I offered to get some ants and worms to crawl on her body while I fuck her, but she wants me to put earthworms in her vagina. Is there a safe way to do this? Female condom? I want to help, but putting worms in your vagina seems like it will end with an embarrassing trip to the ER.
— Worries Over Really Messy Scenario
Dear WORMS: “I thought I had heard everything,” said Dr. Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco. “Apparently not.”
Dr. Gunter, “Twitter’s resident gynecologist,” first went viral when she urged women not to put jade eggs in their vaginas, just one of the many idiocies pushed by the idiots at Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s idiotic “lifestyle” website. Last week, Dr. Gunter had to urge women and men not to shoot coffee up their butts, also recommended by Goop. So I thought she might have something to say about stuffing earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina.
“This is obviously unstudied,” Dr. Gunter said, “but anything that lives in soil could easily inoculate the vagina with pathogenic bacteria. Also, I am not sure what earthworm innards could do to the vagina, but I am guessing the worms would get squished and meet an untimely demise during sex. How would you get the pieces of dead earthworm out of her vagina? I can think of a lot of ways this could go very wrong. I would advise against it.”
I’m with Dr. Gunter (and, no doubt, PETA): Don’t stuff earthworms in your girlfriend’s vagina. That said, WORMS, tucking a few earthworms into a female condom and carefully inserting it into your girlfriend’s vagina without shoving your cock in there too… is a thoroughly disgusting thing to contemplate and blech. But while it would most likely kill the earthworms (maybe switch ’em out for gummy worms at the last second?), it probably wouldn’t damage your girlfriend or land you both in the ER. Even so, WORMS, don’t do it. Because blech.
Read Dr. Gunter’s blog (drjengunter.wordpress.com), follow her on Twitter (@DrJenGunter), and check out her new column in the New York Times (“The Cycle”).
Send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, follow @fakedansavage on Twitter and visit ITMFA.org.