Savage Love: April 4, 2024



1. I’m a single cis gay man, and I’ve been going back and forth between wanting an open relationship or a throuple/quad when I start dating again. Do you have any advice or recommendations for finding out more about gay throuple/quad relationship structures? I’ve talked about open relationships and relationship anarchy with my peers and therapist, but no one seems to know a lot about throuples/quads. 

I don’t think there’s a lot of research into gay throuples and quads. (Hell, there isn’t that much research into gay couples.) But most successful gay throuples and quads started out as couples. So instead of seeking a throuple or a quad, your best bet may be fucking with single men who are open to relationships and fucking with couples — as a single person or once you’re coupled — who are open to regular thirds and/or fourths. 

2. Why is it hard to get a relationship partner to confirm you’re in a relationship or define the relationship? 

Most likely because your partner benefits somehow from the relationship remaining undefined — they feel freed from certain obligations — and they sense you aren’t willing to call their bluff. Meaning, they sense you won’t break up with them if they refuse to define the relationship. You can’t call the question if you aren’t willing to call it off unless you get an answer. 

3. My lover is in town for business, but he has an impossible work schedule. The only way I can probably see him is if I crash one of his work events. I’m tempted, but it probably means I’d just see him for a moment, say hi, and have to leave. How important is it for us to have in-person time? If we haven’t seen each other in months, shouldn’t I make the effort, even if it’s just for a moment together? 

Being in the same room with your lover and having to play it cool and not being able to touch them sounds like torture. It also sounds incredibly hot. So, if you’re sure your lover wants to see you under those circumstances and isn’t just telling you what you wanna hear, make the effort. 

4. Do I play with cut [eggplant emoji] and uncut [eggplant emoji] the same way or do I treat them differently? 

An uncut [eggplant emoji] essentially comes with its own built-in masturbation sleeve — you can roll the foreskin up and down the shaft and over the head. You can’t do that with most cut [eggplant emoji], as there’s not a lot of loose skin to work with/manipulate/roll up and over on most circumcised men. So, uncut [eggplant emoji] typically doesn’t need lube while cut [eggplant emoji] typically do need some sort of lube. But cut or uncut [eggplant emoji], don’t make assumptions.  Ask for direction. 

5.  I met a gay couple in my building. One half of the couple — the not-that-hot half — told me they “only play together” while the other half of the couple — the hotter-than-fuck half — told me hooking up one-on-one was possible so long as his husband never found out. What should I do?  

You should move. 

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