ICUMI: There are 12 countries happier than us, and prison food is worse than waterboarding

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There are 12 countries happier than us.

In the latest trivial-Buzzfeed-like-listicle-that-is-arbitrary-and-doesn’t-really-mean-anything news, Denmark has been deemed the happiest country in the world by the World Happiness Report (yes, apparently that’s a thing).

This is the fourth year for the report, which is compiled by experts in fields like economics, national statistics, health, public policy and more. And Denmark has clenched the position for three out of the four years. (Apparently, Switzerland was way happier in 2014.)

As true patriots, I’m sure you’re wondering where our dear ol’ U. S. of A. fell on the list: Number 13. But hey, we were number 15 last year so… progress.

We got beat by the likes of Iceland, Norway, Finland, Australia and Sweden. Our arch nemesis Canada outwitted us again with a position at number 5. (Damn you, with your universal health care, low gun violence and Tim Hortons.)

Now, who wants to take bets on how fast Trump uses this as his next campaign platform? “In order to make America great again, as president, I would declare war on Denmark, and the rest of Europe too, just for good measure. Also, I still have a large penis, in case you haven’t heard.”

The report lists 156 nations, and all the way in last place is Burundi, which is in the middle of violent political turmoil. As you get toward the bottom of the list seeing, countries like Syria, Afghanistan and Rwanda, you wonder what the point of this list is besides a way to give rich, healthy, politically peaceful countries an unnecessary pat on the back. Oy vey.

Prison food is worse than waterboarding

Testifying before a Norwegian court for the first time on March 16, mass murder Anders Behring Breivik, who killed 77 people in a shooting rampage and bombing attack in Oslo in 2011, compared himself to South African anti-apartheid revolutionary Nelson Mandela.

Mandela was South Africa’s first black chief executive, whose government worked to end apartheid by fostering racial reconciliation. Mandela later spent 27 years in prison for standing up to governmental human rights abuses against black South Africans.

Breivik, on the other hand, claims his act of mass murder was to prevent the “Islamization” of his country.

The only difference between the two men, according to Breivik, is that while Mandela “ordered action,” Breivik was the one to “carry out the action.”

In other delusions, Breivik alleged that his imprisonment was a breach of the European Convention on Human Rights.

Let’s take a look at some of the human rights violations Breivik has been enduring in prison:

He has been given plastic cutlery to eat with, and without an insulated cup, his morning joe gets cold. He is often fed microwaveable TV dinners up to four times a day, sometimes receiving the same meal two days in a row.

This treatment, Breivik told the court, was “worse than waterboarding.”

Breivik has been isolated while in prison, which he says had led to sleeping problems, a hypersensitivity to smell and an inability to concentrate. He informed the court it would be “more humane to shoot me than to treat me like an animal as they have done over the past five years.”

Breivik was sentenced to 21 years in prison in 2012, the maximum possible sentence under Norwegian law.

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