ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world


Meet the candidates
In early December, a U.S. government class at Mohawk High School in Sycamore, Ohio, prepared for a rare treat. A real, live state senator was going to make a presentation, presumably about something involving the topic of our democratic system. It was a government class after all. You can only imagine the palpable anticipation of these teenagers.

Plus, the visit was coming almost a month earlier than previously planned, due to a call from the senator himself asking to reschedule. He identified himself as Izaha Akins and told the teacher he was an appointed replacement for the previously scheduled Sen. Dave Burke, who had fallen ill and recently resigned. “Sounds good,” the teacher responded.

Sen. Akins showed up to the school wearing a suit and tie, and probably even a little American flag lapel pin. He was flanked by two security guards, handed over his real identification and proceeded to give an hour presentation.

“The presentation, although not ‘polished,’ was what one might expect from a young, inexperienced and newly appointed senator,” said superintendent Ken Ratliff in a statement. “No one was the wiser.”


That is until the originally schedule date of Jan. 14, when still-sitting Sen. Dave Burke showed up to give a presentation to the same U.S. government class.

Really? Izaha Akins was simply an 18-year-old college student pretending to be a government official and got away with it? Really. You would hope a school’s administration, let alone a U.S. government teacher, would balk at Akins’ birth date, hopefully at least questioning the age requirement to hold state senate office, which is 30 by the way. You would also hope a U.S. government teacher would know if her own state senator had in fact become ill and resigned, or at least have the wherewithal to Google it.

And people wonder why voters are flocking to ridiculous presidential candidates who created a name for themselves as self-aggrandizing reality T.V. stars. Or star.

In the end, the school is complaining about the negative media attention the fiasco is causing (rightfully so) and Akins is being charged with telecommunications fraud and impersonating a peace officer.

Is that a gun in your pocket or is it just your smartphone?
Genius entrepreneur and all-around-good-idea man Kirk Kjellberg has finally solved the problem of how to make guns less recognizable to children. Finally!

Proving that revelations can hit at any time, Kjellberg was out to eat one night when he was hit with inspiration for a new-and-improved, state-of-the-art, completely ridiculous weapon.

“I walked towards the restroom and a little child, a boy about 7, saw me and said, ‘Mommy, mommy, that guy’s gotta gun,’” he said to St. Paul, Minnesota’s KARE 11. “The whole restaurant of course turns and stares at you, and I thought, ‘There’s just gotta be something better to do than this.’”

Oh man, kids say the darndest things. If I’m going to carry a gun on my person, I don’t want everyone to know about it — duh.

That would be embarrassing.

So there’s only one thing to do! Make the gun harder for a child to distinguish! And that’s exactly what Kjellberg did. His start-up, Ideal Conceal — the cuter the name, the better the gun — is now marketing a double-barrel .380-caliber handgun that looks like… wait for it… a cell phone!

Thankfully, this foolproof, cell-phone-looking gun has no apparent downfalls. What a time to be alive.