ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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I’M AFRAID, DAVE

There’s an episode of the dark, near-future, British TV series Black Mirror (no spoilers, we swear) that centers on a technology that allows humans to create digital copies of their consciousness. These copies are then placed in devices that control the “real” humans’ home: Your copy can wake you to your favorite music, prepare your preferred breakfast, run a hot bath or present a list of upcoming appointments.

Just kidding, this is actually what happens at Mark Zuckerberg’s house. In a succinct 3,000-word Facebook post on Monday, Dec. 19, Zuckerberg wrote about the 100 hours he sunk into creating Jarvis, an artificial intelligence assistant he created this year that can control appliances, play music, recognize faces and teach his toddler Mandarin.

The digital assistant texts Zuckerberg images of visitors who stop by during the day and opens the front door for those it recognizes (unless you look at the camera at a really unflattering angle).

Zuckerberg says right now he’s mostly just asking Jarvis to play some music, and the AI mostly “nails” what Zuckerberg wants to hear.

Ultimately, he hopes Jarvis will be able to help him with world domination.

Heads up: Those targeted ads on your Facebook aren’t nearly as creepy as what’s to come.

’TIS THE SEASON OF SHEER FOLLY

For just pennies a day you could help UNICEF USA feed a child in a war-torn, poverty stricken nation — or you could donate a million dollars to a nonprofit led by Donald Trump’s grown sons to get a chance to hang with The Donald over inauguration weekend.

The Opening Day Foundation was recently minted — Dec. 14 — to give you the chance to rub elbows with the 45th President of the United States right as he becomes the leader of the free world. As a nonprofit, the foundation is under no legal obligation to disclose the names of its donors, so you can give for the sake of giving to a great cause, not for praise or gifts.

Speaking of gifts, those who make million-dollar donations to the “Opening Day 2017” event — scheduled for Jan. 21 — receive a “private reception and photo opportunity for 16 guests with President Donald J. Trump,” at Washington, D.C.’s Walter E. Washington Convention Center; a “multi-day hunting and/or fishing excursion for 4 guests with Donald Trump, Jr. and/or Eric Trump, and team,” (obviously “team” means Ted Nugent) as well as tickets to other events and “autographed guitars by an Opening Day 2017 performer” (obviously Kid Rock).

Some of the other events and fabulous door prizes you can expect as a donor to the Opening Day Foundation:

• A slightly deflated football signed by Tom Brady

• A one-of-a-kind bandana from the personal collection of Terry Gene Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, printed with the slogan, “Trumpmania is running wild, brother!”

• An original boarding pass from one of Dennis Rodman’s trips to North Korea

• An ear from the personal collection of Mike Tyson

• A photo shoot with ’90s sort-of heartthrob Aaron Carter

• A pre-owned DVD boxset of the complete series Joanie Loves Chachi

• One introductory Arabian horse breeding course led by Wayne Newton

Mein Kampf, the complete audiobook, read by Tila Tequila

All proceeds from the opening day event will be donated to unnamed “conservation charities.” That’s an ambiguous cause you can get behind.     

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