ICUMI (In case you missed it)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world


I want it now

Ever wonder what it would be like to get drunk with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un? Wonder no more. According to Japanese media, the squatty leader is an angry, if not immature, drunk. (As if his long list of previous finger-pointing and “nah-uh” antics didn’t already prove the immature part.)

Wikimedia Commons

On a recent bender, he allegedly yelled at his top military officials for failing to produce “not even one military satellite.” We can just see Mr. Un stamping his feet and shaking his head, while screaming, “No I want one of those… who says I can’t have one? … I want it now.” The military leaders of course try to placate him, offering up other things like, “Well sir, we already built you an internationally ill-advised nuclear weapons program that might spell the end of the world after President Trump takes office in January.” To which, Mr. Un slurs, “I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket, it’s my bar of chocolate, give it to me now… don’t care how, I want it now” while spinning around the room.

And then after the real-life drunken tantrum, (not the Willy Wonka-esque one described above), the dictator demands the military officials stay up all night writing apology letters. And each one of them who had a misspelled word was executed the next morning, while the supreme leader demanded coffee and forbade anyone from opening the curtains. Hangovers are the worst.

BP is relocating to Denver… What could go wrong?

BP aka British Petroleum is relocating its onshore division to Denver. We can only hope that BP’s onshore division can do for the Rocky Mountains what its offshore division did for the Gulf of Mexico. I have a feeling Matt Damon is already reading through scripts about rigs blowing up in the Julesburg Basin.

As expected, Governor John “the frack fluid drinker” Hickenlooper is already praising the arrival of BP as if it will be some kind of economic savior to our endangered economy.

Wikimedia Commons

Note to Hick: It’s only a couple of hundred jobs getting dumped into an exploding economy that won’t even notice BP’s arrival until it starts its uptick in natural gas drilling and further screws up our beautiful environment. In other words, BP’s arrival means nothing to the people of Colorado. Their relocation only adds to your legacy as the worst environmental governor in the history of Colorado. That’s right, worse than Owens, because at least when he isn’t trying to help oil companies do business with war-crime-committing, refugee raping regimes in Africa, he at least admits he’s a Republican.

Welcome to Colorado BP. If you need anything, and we do me anything — setback exemptions, waived fines, lack of inspections on your wells, your water carried — just give our Gov. a call.  He’ll do anything to make you happy.

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