(IN CASE YOU MISSED IT)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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STUDY FINDS FINDINGS, STUDY FINDS

A new study found that teenage boys with low resting heart rates are more likely to commit violent crimes as adults.

The study, published in JAMA Psychiatry, connected low heart rates with increased risk-taking and failure to detect danger.

Now it’s worth noting that these finding were found in a Swedish study. When you put it in that context, it’s pretty easy to see that any teenage boy whose heart doesn’t rise for ABBA and pickled whitefish has something seriously wrong with them.

Also, violent crime in Sweden is a little different than we here in the States see it. A violent crime in Sweden could be as innocuous as putting an Ikea-brand Knopparp quilted loveseat where, really, a Söderhamn sofa is the only choice. Animals.

A hate crime is defined in Sweden as any violence between a pale person and someone slightly paler. Or anyone with, gasp, brown eyes.

Punishments for violent crimes in Sweden should deter these miscreants as well, as all ne’er-do-wells are required to lay prostrate before the obscure, pre-Christian Norse god of justice Forseti, and as is foretold in the Grímnismál, must eat the fruit from the sacred Tree of Decision to determine if they will die a slow, painful death or go on to live a fruitful life as an ambiguouslygendered cartoon mascot child on Swedish chocolate bars.

It is a twisted culture.

TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT-SIZING PROJECT

In a state of pre-election panic, Boulder City Council members are beginning to backtrack on the infamous right-sizing project on Folsom, starting Tuesday, Sept. 8 with the removal of a bunch of those weird green-and-white polls that were somehow supposed to protect bikers from getting hit by cars.

With 18 people vying for five city council seats this November, and Boulder citizen’s skipping yoga classes to take to the streets with torches and pitch forks to protest the carmageddon that right-sizing created on Folsom, it’s easy to see why some members of City Council are rethinking the project.

Back in August, Councilwoman Lisa Morzel took to the city’s public email system to say that while she voted for right-sizing, “This mess just isn’t worth jeopardizing my council seat over.”

Councilman George Karakehian, who opposed the project from the beginning, was overheard muttering the chorus from Kenny Roger’s “The Gambler” at the Sept. 8 council meeting that ultimately rolled back the scale of the project on Folsom. When anyone tried to counter Karakehian’s negative view of right-sizing, he simply placed his fingers in his ears and chanted, “I was right, I was right, I was right, I was right.”

Karakehian will not be seeking reelection for council this year. 

Between 200 and 350 of those stupid green-and-white polls were removed on Tuesday night. Wednesday morning Folsom commuters were found marveling at the lack of clutter. One commuter was overheard saying, “What the hell were those things, anyway?” 

Members of the city’s transportation department, as well as their families, will remain under 24-hour police protection as a precautionary measure until city officials can determine whether the scaling back of the right-sizing project eases mob violence.