Dear Dan: Does a person who acts loving only when high on weed really love you? My live-in boyfriend of three years acts sweet, loving and caring when he’s high, but when the weed runs out, he’s mean, angry, hurtful and horrible to be around. I’ve asked him when he’s stoned to still act like a loving person when the weed runs out, but of course that never happens. He just dismisses that he’s mean and hurtful, and he blames me for why he’s angry.
I’m so confused! Without weed, he’s intolerable. Should I just make sure he’s always well stocked with his drug? He’s a relatively functional stoner, even though technically it’s not allowed at his job. I’ve told all my friends he is no longer the mean asshole he was when I wanted to leave him (but didn’t), and now I’ve convinced everyone that he transformed back into the amazing catch I always knew he was. So basically, in order to save face over not leaving him (and now I can’t for financial reasons), I burned the bridges.
— Tensions Highlight Concerns That Relationships Aren’t Perfect
THCTRAP: Someone who can be nice only when he’s high isn’t someone you should be fucking, living with or starting a grow-op on your roof for, THCTRAP, he’s someone you should be dumping, dumping and dumping.
And to be clear: Your boyfriend’s problem isn’t weed, THCTRAP, your boyfriend’s problem is asshole. And the fact that you’re covering for him — the fact that you can’t go to your friends for help because you worked so hard to convince them he’s not an asshole — is a very, very bad sign. If being with someone isolates you from the support of your friends, that’s not someone you should be with.
Does he love you? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t — but even if he does, do you want to be loved by someone who treats you like shit when he isn’t fucked up? No, you don’t. My advice: DTMFA.
But let’s get a second opinion, shall we? “It’s not unusual for people to complain that they feel a little cranky when they run out of weed,” says Dan Skye, editor in chief of High Times magazine. “I know a lot of people who prefer to be high all the time — but if his personality is that different when he runs out of weed, this woman’s boyfriend has problems other than not being high.”
Now, there are people out there who self-medicate with pot — in good ways, not bad ways.
“I know many people who have dumped their pharmaceuticals for pot,” Skye says, “because pot is a better substance for easing their pain and anxiety.
There are no side effects, it’s good at easing pain, and it even eases some severe medical conditions. There are people out there who are high all the time, I know hundreds of them, and they are perfectly functional, responsible human beings. We are hardwired as humans to hook up with this plant, and some people hook up with this plant in profound ways. It makes them feel better, it makes them more compassionate and more creative — it makes them better human beings.”
But Skye doesn’t think your boyfriend is one of those people, THCTRAP.
“If this guy is such a prick when he’s not high, I’d get rid of him,” Skye says. “Putting your girlfriend in a position where she feels like she has to become your dealer — that she has to supply you with pot — is not acceptable.”
Dear Dan: She turned me into the pretty girl’s fat little friend years ago and then ran off to sunnier places. Now she’s back. She has tried to rekindle a relationship, but she expects me to be like I was years back. I’m treating myself to a weekend away and thought about treating her too in the hopes things go to the next level. I guess I’m hoping she will give if she gets. Am I an idiot?
— Good Guy Problems
Dear GGP: So you’re one of those good guys I’ve heard so much about, huh? One of those good guys who thinks all his female friends are secret sex workers — i.e., girls who will give once they get? If that’s how good guys feel about their female friends, I’d hate to hear a bad guy’s inner monologue.
Don’t spend your “good guy” money on this girl, GGP, because she’s not going to fuck you. If she didn’t want to fuck you after she paid Dr. Moreau to turn you into her fat little friend, she doesn’t want to fuck you now. The odds of her wanting to take things “to the next level” once you get her alone for the weekend are worse than the odds of “President Rick Santorum.”
My advice: Do not invite this woman to go away with you under false pretenses (it’s a friendly trip!) so long as you’re nursing false hopes (she’ll fuck me someday!). Invite someone else, go alone or blow whatever money you would’ve spent on this pretty girl on a pretty local sex worker instead.
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