In case you missed it

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REMOVE SHOES, LAPTOPS AND TSA DIRECTORS 

The head of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), the agency that wears blue uniforms and touches you in airports, was reassigned from his job on Monday, June 1 after undercover agents repeatedly penetrated security.

According to an ABC News report, undercover agents were able to get Wikipedia through multiple airport security checkpoints with illegal weapons or simulated bombs 95 percent of the time. Melvin Carraway, the acting director at the time, was reassigned to another law enforcement division, and the TSA position is waiting to be filled.

It makes you wonder why we have to take off shoes and belts, remove laptops from bags, put shampoo in a plastic bag and get scanned in that spaceship-looking thing every time we go through security.

On the other hand, if agents were able to get through security 95 percent of the time with illegal weapons, you’d think terrorists would be able to get through security at least a few times, too. With few reports of airport attacks in the last decade, this must mean they’re not doing the airport thing anymore, and by extension, terrorism is dead. We did it, Dubya! “Mission Accomplished.”

SOCCER? CORRUPT?

About a dozen officials at FIFA, the world soccer governing body, were arrested and indicted on corruption, fraud and racketeering charges last week, after a 24-year investigation by the U.S. Justice Department.

The charges stem from allegations that FIFA officials took millions of dollars in bribes in exchange for World Cup hosting rights, executive votes and more.

The charges would be a black eye for FIFA and its former president Sepp Blatter, who resigned on Tuesday, June 2, however both have had their name well sullied over the last many decades. Blatter was widely criticized for awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, a country where game-time temperatures can exceed 130 degrees, and where more than 1,000 migrant workers have died this year in the process of building stadiums for the tournament. And speaking of building stadiums, Blatter and FIFA have done nothing to support the tournament’s latest host, Brazil, a country that built billions of dollars in stadiums on their own dime, but have had no use for them since because its hard to fill up a 50,000-seat stadium in the middle of the rainforest.

For the cynical sport fan, the FIFA charges are not surprising, even if they were a long time coming — so long in fact, that you wondered if they were ever going to come at all. That’s because a large portion of the world received kickbacks for keeping the FIFA structure in place — and Blatter in charge — and all 208 countries, even the smallest, get an equal say in the organization’s structure.

In light of all the negative attention on soccer, the NFL issued the following statement: “Phew. Thanks, guys.”

BLINDED BY A CAT 

A Nebraska woman says she was blinded in one eye after her cat licked her one morning. The claim has scientific backing — cat scratch disease, made popular by Ted Nugent’s 1977 hit song — is known to cause serious complications in the eyes and brain. Cats are also known to be aloof pieces of garbage, only redeemed by their stupid antics and love of boxes. You weigh the pros and cons with any pet, we suppose: goofy faces vs. permanent blindness and brain trauma. Tough call.