Dear Dan: I’m a lesbian who has been pretty successful at online dating. Lately, however, I’ve had a few women contact me who turn out not to be cisgender. I’ve tried to remain open, but I have never been attracted to a trans woman. I don’t rule out the possibility that it could happen. But one great thing about online dating is that you can express preferences before going on a date, and I’d rather not unknowingly walk into these potentially awkward and painful situations. Is there something I could put on my profile expressing my preference for cisgender women that is not offensive to trans people? It’s important to me that I remain an ally.
— Can I Say?
Dear CIS: You can put “not into trans women” in your online dating profile, CIS, but you’ll have to hand in your Trans Ally card. Gay men are likewise free to put “no fats, no femmes” or “white guys only — just expressing my preference” on their profiles, and too many do (and not all of them are white guys), but gay men who do that have to hand in their Not an Asshole cards. Occasionally having coffee with someone you’re not into — and having to tiptoe through the awkwardness — isn’t something you can avoid in online dating. You would have to do that even if only cis lesbians responded to your ads, as you’re presumably not attracted to all cis lesbians. Having a coffee now and then with a trans woman you most likely won’t find attractive — but you never know — is a small price to pay to make the online dating world a less shitty place for trans people. It’s what an ally would do.
Dear Dan: I’m a 29-year-old gay guy in a committed relationship. My boyfriend says he feels sexually inadequate, because I’m not the type of guy who needs to come in order to feel that I had great sex. Honestly, foreplay and receiving anal sex are much more pleasurable for me. If I want to come, I will, just not all the time. As long as there’s plenty of kissing, touching and licking — and all the other wonderful “ings” — I don’t feel like ejaculation is a big deal. He thinks it means I’m not attracted enough to him. He’s self-conscious since his dick is a bit on the small side, and my not coming seems to make it worse. I’ve told him that I find him utterly attractive — bless those legs, that chest, that ass — and I always try to make him have an orgasm. I’ve also tried to come more often for him, but sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I’ve also told him that he’s not doing anything wrong and this is just the way I’m wired. He says he still feels inadequate. I don’t know what else to do or say.
— Orgasms Reliably Great Although Sometimes Missed
Dear ORGASM:
You’ve done the reassuring thing (about his size), you’ve done the explaining thing (this is just the way you’re wired) and you’ve done the meeting him halfway thing (coming more often to appease/mollify). Now it’s time for the exasperated ultimatum thing. I’ve taken the liberty of scripting your ultimatum: “You have to stop obsessing about whether or not I come every time we fuck. I would never make you feel bad about your dick, but you’re making me feel bad about my dick. So here’s the deal: You’re going to drop this. You’re going to take ‘Yes, I’m attracted to you’ and ‘This is how my dick works’ for an answer. And you’re not going to bring this up anymore. Sometimes I’ll come, sometimes I won’t. Putting up with that — and getting over your insecurities or at least shutting up about them — is the price of admission to be with me. If you can’t pay that price, if me not coming every time we have sex is something you’ll never get over, then we should break up.”
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