Dear Dan: I’m an American woman living abroad and have started a relationship with a wonderful man from a Middle Eastern country. We are having a great time exploring what is a foreign country for both of us. The looming issue is sex, of course. He is a moderate Muslim, but he grew up in a strict conservative family and country. He’s 25 and has never even held hands with a woman. He is excited to change this now that he has broken away from his family. I have had many partners, both men and women, and am quite sexually experienced. I am curious about what to do when the time comes. Do you have advice on how to best go about taking a man’s virginity? I want to avoid as much insecurity on his part as I can.
— Going To Be His First
Dear GTBHF: Be gentle, GTBHF. Also, make it clear beforehand that you’re his girlfriend and not his counselor or spiritual adviser. If he’s still struggling with the sex-negative, woman-phobic zap that his upbringing (and a medieval version of his faith) put on his head, he needs to work through that crap before he gets naked with you. He may have some sort of post-climax meltdown or crisis — like the ones so many repressed gay dudes have the first time they have sex with a man — and you’ll be kind and understanding, of course, but you won’t allow him to lay responsibility for the choice he made on you. As for the sex itself… Take the pressure off him by letting him know that this — his first time, your first time together — is about pleasure and connection, not about performance and mastery. Let him know that you don’t expect him to know what he’s doing at every moment, that a little fumbling and adjusting are normal even with more experienced folks, and that you’re both allowed to stop the action, talk about whatever’s going on, and then start again.
And finally, GTBHF, let him know that you’re going to take the lead and reassure him that there’s nothing emasculating about being with — and being led by — a sexually empowered woman. Quite the opposite: A truly masculine straight man isn’t afraid of a woman who knows what she’s doing and what she wants.
Dear Dan: I am a 37-year-old man, and I sometimes get unbidden erections in public. They aren’t glaringly obvious unless maybe I’m wearing a swimsuit at the pool, but of course, regardless of the situation, I feel like everyone can see it. I’ve heard people say it’s rude or could even be perceived as predatory to sport a visible woody under your clothes in public. There are countless websites devoted to shaming men with boners in public, and that doesn’t help the situation. Despite being mortified, deep down I want to believe that it should be okay to go about my business as long as I’m not being creepy. Is it okay to just go about my business until my hard-on subsides?
— Bummed Over Normal Erotic Raisings
Dear BONER: The only people who’ll notice (or linger over) your unbidden erections are the ones staring at your crotch — and they’re the creeps, BONER, not you. So go about your business… unless you’re at the pool, in which case find an open poolside lounger and lie on your stomach until the crisis passes.
Dear Dan: I have an open FWB thing going with a guy. He is my primary sex partner. We recently stopped using condoms when we’re together because we both passed STI tests several months ago and neither of us has been with anyone else since. But we are both free to have sex with other people, and it’s bound to happen sooner or later. If we always use condoms with the other people, is it safe for us to continue having condom-free sex with each other?
— What’s The Risk?
Dear WTR: Condoms — when used consistently and correctly — greatly reduce your risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection. They provide excellent protection against HIV infection, gonorrhea and chlamydia (diseases spread by genital secretions); they’re slightly less effective at protecting you against herpes, HPV and syphilis (diseases spread by skin-toskin contact). The condom-free sex you’re currently having with your fuck buddy can be regarded as risk-free because you’ve both been tested, you’re both STI-free and you’re both not having sex with other people. But some risk will creep into your condom-free sex after you start having sex with other people, WTR — even if you’re using condoms. Your risk of getting an STI will be much, much lower if you use condoms — consistently and correctly — with those other partners, but sex with other partners will introduce some risk.
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