February is the relationship status evaluation month. The haunting smell of roses and lackluster taste of heart-shaped candies can drive any single person crazy. Gone are the days of chance romantic meeting stories. Nowadays, a lot of marriages start with a click. According to a 2010 study, almost a quarter of couples, who met in 2007- 09, met online. Another in 2013, looking at marriages between 2005-12, said over a third of couples met online. Other studies predict the number will keep rising until it’s in the majority.
The selection process on generic dating sites can lead to endlessly swiping on Tinder and wading through losers on OKCupid. When you’re tired of the masses, time to narrow in and get more specific. These days, no one has time to analyze countless dating profiles decoding if “laid back fellow” means unemployed or “loves pizza” means bad eating habits. Discover what you really want and go straight to the source.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports 105 million single people over the age of 18. That is one heck of a dating pool. Furthermore, the paradox of choice says more options lead to poorer decision-making. Niche dating sites have been on the rise in the last few years, especially due to the success of sites like JDate and Christian Mingle. There’s a chance some sites may have gone off the deep end, but who knows? Your future partner could be waiting for you on an oddly specific dating website.
ClownDating.com
It’s tough getting a date when half of the population either loves you or hates you. So, seek out similar rainbow-haired people who will see the person behind the red nose and floppy shoes. Alternatively, check it out if you want to work on some childhood circus trauma.
UglySchmucks.com
Conventional beauty standards be damned; ugly people need love too. Not everyone is born to be pretty, but that doesn’t mean they’re not dateable. No more Photoshop trickery, great lighting or flattering angles. Put your best shmuck face forward to meet someone who knows it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Meet-an-Inmate.com
For those who’ve been binge-watching Orange is the New Black, time to get a little jailhouse lovin’ for yourself. It’s perfect for those who know that with a little tenderness, you can reform even the baddest bad boy or girl. Be the shining light of hope they can cling to as they do their time. And don’t worry, the site even provides a projected release date so you can plan your first date, even if it will be in two to five years pending good behavior.
TrekPassions.com
Love leads to a long, prosperous life, especially if you can find someone with an affection for space travel and pointy ears. Set your phasers to date and meet the Spock of your dreams. At least a conversational amount of Vulcan is advised.
Alikewise.com
It’s perfectly natural to want a date who reads Bukowski not Buzzfeed. Alikewise.com allows you to search book titles or authors to find well-read singles ready to turn the next chapter. Look at it as a library of potential new suitors.
Pounced.org
Anyone who has a soft spot for anthropomorphic creatures will tell you that dating is tough. On pounced.org you can meet other people fed up with their human exteriors and wishing they could look how they felt on the inside — like a furry animal. Don’t let your desire to be a fox or a cat stop you from finding love. Unleash your inner animal and connect with other furries who just want a loving scratch behind the ear. Just remember, some furries prefer a lot of scratching in other places so make sure you know what you might be in for. It’s not called “Pounced” for nothing.
DateMyPet.com
Pet owners tend to look like their pets. If you’re sick of judging a person by their dating profile, take a more critical look at their pet. Ugly dogs, most likely lead to ugly owners. But user beware, you might fall for a great dog and be stuck with their dud of an owner.
WealthyMen. com
The noble mission of this website is to connect “beautiful and interesting” women with rich men. Apparently, it’s hard for rich men to locate gold diggers on their own. And don’t worry about scams, this website verifies jobs and salaries, requiring a minimum of $85,000 a year.
ZombiePassions.com
If you’re not a zombie, no problem. Zombie lovers accepted, too. Feel free to choose from a selection of the living dead — from toxic spill to virus mutation. When the apocalypse hits, you wouldn’t want to be the only one without a zombie date. That would be embarrassing.
Vampersonals.com
It’s so annoying showing up to a date and discovering they don’t share an affinity for neck biting and blood drinking. It’s tough when you’re looking for the Dracula of your dreams or the Nosferatu of your nightmares. Not every mortal can meet a vampire organically like Bella in Twilight.
MarryMeAlready.com
When you’re looking for someone to put a ring on it, with little-to-no nagging, browse profiles of people equally ready to pick out china patterns. A great relationship starts with an equal desperation to rush down the aisle. No ring, no date. Think of it as the anti-Tinder.
DateaGolfer.com
Searching for a soul mate can be hard, but tracking down a good golfing partner can be infinitely more difficult. If you’re looking for that hole in one, try dateagolfer.com. At the very least, you can find someone to hold your balls for you. Golf balls, that is.
DateBritishGuys.com
For centuries Americans have lusted over silvertongued Brits. Many girls are on the quest for a Benedict Cumberbatch-sounding bloke who will fix them a proper cup of tea while reciting their favorite Shakespeare sonnet. Hopefully, you’ll find one with a good dentist.
TheAtlasphere. com
Finally, a dating site for those who just got around to reading The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Ayn Rand is notorious for messing with people’s minds, and no one should go through that alone. Meet a fellow Objectivist who can help you make sense of the world again.
TasteBuds.fm
Scrolling through someone’s iPod could tell you more than hours of pointless dating. Compare your music tastes before ever having to meet face to face. If you can’t get down to the same tunes, it’s unlikely you’ll get down anywhere else.
Amish-Online-Dating.com
So considering the Internet requires at least some electricity, these Amish are probably a bit hipper than their elders. It’s a great site for those into rugged beards or dainty bonnets, or if you’re looking for someone to talk Old English to you. Thine path commences at amish-online-dating.com.
DarwinDating.com
When Charles Darwin first established the theory of evolution, this is probably not what he had in mind. But it wouldn’t matter, the site notes that its namesake would be too ugly to join anyway. Don’t waste any time finding out if someone’s attractive or not. Restrict your dating pool to only the most beauti ful, so you can commence weeding out the ugly people in society to evolve into a more attractive race. A few things that are “banned” include small jaws, middle parts, “ski-jump” noses, too many freckles, weird pubic hair and “bent essential anatomy.” Not really sure how they screen for that one.
TallFriends.com
The sky’s the limit at tallfriends.com — actually the last box you can check off is for 6 feet 11 inches and taller. Instead of rooting through dating profiles analyzing how tall someone is in comparison to surrounding objects, go directly to tall person nirvana. You and your new date can bond over shared distaste of limited legroom, low ceilings and taking pictures with short people. But, short people can also join to find that special person who can finally reach the top shelf. Hey, it worked out for 5-foot Hayden Panettiere and her 6-foot-6-inch boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko.
ConservativesOnly.com
The list of people not welcome: democrats, liberals, communists, Marxists, progressives, socialists and feminazis. Get together for a candlelight dinner peppered with the dismissal of global warming and staunch critique of the immigration policy. Maybe one will invite the other home to check out their gun collection.
FarmersOnly.com
This site’s for anyone who’s looking for that callused hand rough touch or a good debate on the best tractor brands. As their motto says, “City folk just don’t get it.”
SinglesWithFoodAllergies.com
Start a whole relationship based on what foods both of you avoid. Don’t risk being around someone who doesn’t understand how severe your peanut allergy is. Leave your EpiPen at home and fall for someone who knows one wrong mouthful can send you to the hospital.
AshleyMadison.com
“Life is short, have an affair.” This site is upholding the sanctity of marriage one “discreet” affair at a time. The name itself surely won’t arouse suspicion from a nosy spouse. Because Ashley Madison sounds like a real estate broker, right?
GlutenFreeSingles.com
Being gluten-free at a restaurant can be a lonely experience. No one wants to be the only one to navigate menus and ask about every ingredient in a dish. Find someone who shares your enthusiasm for rice pasta and Udi’s bagels. Meet somewhere other than the Olive Garden and walk hand in hand toward your wheat-less future.
STDMatch.com
A positive test result doesn’t have to put a damper on your dating life. Don’t be shackled by your herpes or syphilis. Feel free to be upfront with what’s going on downstairs without fear of your date running for the exit. It’s a safer way to date. No need to spread the love — better to keep it contained.
SeaCaptainDate. com
There are plenty of fish in the sea, and this site hooks you with a sea captain looking for their first mate. Let a wave of love wash over you — there’s a sea of bad ocean puns ahead. After all, it’s your chance to find someone to float your boat.
TheLeagueApp.com
You worked your ass off in college and in your career for a reason, and, chances are, it wasn’t to meet a community college dropout working a dead-end job. When you’re working 80-hour weeks, you don’t have time to vet dating profiles. The League is a no-nonsense app for “smart, busy & ambitious” people who want to “date intelligently.”
NaturistPassions.com
Being a nudist is a lifestyle that some people just don’t understand. Instead of an awkward first date explaining that clothes aren’t really your thing, find people with the similar interest, or lack of interest.
AgeMatch.com
The rule of thumb for age-appropriate dating is half your age plus seven. But if that’s too much math or if the numbers don’t add up in your favor, then try out agematch.com. Don’t let a multiple-decade age difference stop you from seeking love. Look how happy Hugh Hefner is.
Redhead-World.net
Less than 10 percent of the population is naturally redheaded. Outsiders don’t understand what it’s like to be a genetic rarity. But red heads are dying out unless a valiant effort bonds the ginger-headed together. Redhead-world.net is less of a dating site and more of a cause to keep those ruby locks flowing.
SaladMatch.com
Maybe you just need one little thing to grasp on — a similar love for arugula or distaste for black olives. If your date turns out to be a loser, at least you got a tasty salad out of it.
MyFreeImplants.com
A website that connects women seeking breast implants and the people who want to pay for them. It’s a truly uplifting site that demonstrates the altruistic nature of the human race. Women can chat with donors and maybe find that special someone, who obviously must be interested in more than just their cup size.
Prescription4Love.com
No need to snoop in your date’s medicine cabinet, this site pairs up daters based on prescriptions. Rejoice in no longer hiding behind your peculiar illness. Find someone who can spot you a pill if you forget your medication at home.
ScientificSingles.com
Meet people with a mutual passion for Albert Einstein and the periodic table. Test your hypothesis and see if there’s a chemical reaction. Big brains need big hearts too. Even Sheldon Cooper has a girlfriend.
UniformDating.com
There’s just something sexy about person in uniform. Student Live out your fantasy with a reallife firefighter, pilot or cop. No need for role-playing, just wait for them to come home from the office.
MyLovelyParent.com
Parents love to get involved in their kids’ love lives, but time to flip the situation. After a few too many viewings of The Parent Trap, now it’s your turn to meddle. Give a little help to those parents who haven’t gotten a hang of the Internet and ease them into the world of online dating by doing it for them.
My420Mate.com
If your partner doesn’t partake in some recreational drug use, the relationship can easily go up in smoke. But on my420mate.com, you can light up your love life and date someone who also has a fondness for Mary Jane. This site is a godsend, because finding fellow pot smokers is very hard in Colorado.
MissTravel.com
This website helps “beautiful” people who want to travel, yet have no funds to do it. Accompany rich travel mates on fabulous getaways — you can probably ignore the awkward silences with a stranger while they’re picking up the tab on your Eiffel Tower ticket.
DiaperMates.com
Sometimes a person just needs to be taken care of. And sometimes that person takes that need too far. There are some fetishes that are just too gross to spring on people. Diapermates.com allows adult babies and diaper lovers to congregate and do… whatever it is they do.
IWouldBangYou.com
Straightforward and to the point.
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
