Dear Dan: I’m a straight 20-yearold woman in a relationship with a straight 30-year-old male. We have been dating for a year and living together for seven months. There is a lot of love but there has also been a lot of arguing. Our conflicts stem from issues of abuse and abandonment on his part and issues of poor self-esteem and anger on my part. We have started to go to couples counseling to address these issues and see what we can do to make it work. About a week ago, we got into a yelling match over his drinking (it’s constant and a LOT) and over him arranging for me to go hang out with our downstairs neighbor (my interactions with the neighbor have not been positive due to parking issues) to smoke weed with her. To cut to the chase: We got in a screaming match that resulted in me slapping him. I really didn’t mean to. It just came out of my body, and I immediately regretted it. He asked me to leave the apartment, and I have been staying with my mom for the past few days. We agreed to stay away from each other until our next therapy session. If he shows up, I know he wants to give me a second chance; if not, I have to pack my shit and leave. I guess what my question really boils down to is: Am I an attacker? Am I the female equivalent of a “wife beater”? Is there anything I can do to prove my regret and willingness to change? I love him with everything I have inside of me and I don’t want to lose him over such a stupid mistake.
— Lost And Confused, Knowing I Need Guidance
Dear LACKING: Couples who wind up in counseling before their first year together is up are, in my opinion, better off being counseled singly. By which I mean to say: being counseled as singles, not as a couple.
We don’t have to be perfect to date, LACKING, but we do have to be in good working order. It doesn’t sound like either of you qualify. His abuse and abandonment issues, your self-esteem and anger issues: I think you both should address your issues in counseling — with separate counselors — for your own sakes, not for the sake of this relationship. You get your shit together, he gets his shit together, and then you can either get back together or be in good working order for the next guy who comes along.
And finally, LACKING: One slap at age 20 — one that was instantly regretted, one that the slapper has taken full responsibility for (no bullshit claims that the slappee provoked you) — does not a lifelong abuser make.
Dear Dan: I am a 24-year-old woman who loves everything butt — except butthole. Anal penetration and anilingus are hard limits for me, but the most sensitive erogenous zones on my body are my cheeks, crack, and coin slot. But I can’t figure out a clear way to communicate this. Terms like “ass play” generally mean assHOLE play. I can’t be the only person who feels this way. Help a girl get her ass worked (not fucked), and give me a term!
— Nuts For Butts
Dear NFB: Some sexual interests and/or limits are too complicated to be expressed with a simple term, NFB. So you’ll have to use your words: “I love having my butt played with — cheeks, crack, coin slot — but my butthole is off-limits. Get on my ass, not in it.”
Dear Dan: This girl just hit a bump with her boyfriend. I offered to do something he secretly wanted to try, and he said, “Urinate on me.” I get the fantasy — surrender, being marked, the naughtiness. However, I can’t imagine liking it and I do not want to build it into our repertoire. Set aside that I have no idea how to do it so it’s sexy, safe and sanitary. Is it okay to negotiate “one-and-done” and put it on my “No” list afterward?
— Wet And Wild
Dear WAW: You can certainly negotiate a “one-and-done” agreement, WAW, but if you find the idea of pissing on your boyfriend upsetting — if the thought doesn’t just leave you cold but actually revolts and/or traumatizes you — then you don’t have to go through with it. (You’re not trapped in some piss-fetish version of The Merchant of Venice, WAW. You don’t need a Portia to rescue you from this verbal contract.) As for sexy, safe and sanitary: You don’t have to find it sexy, he’s not going to drown, droppeth your gentle rain upon him in the tub.
Send questions to mail@savagelove.net and follow him on Twitter @fakedansavage
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
