Dear Dan: My husband recently admitted that he masturbates once a day, sometimes twice. My confusion stems from the fact that we have sex once a day, sometimes twice. We’ve had problems in the past with him staring at other women (everyone does it, but I do feel discretion in front of a spouse is required) and with him wanting more novelty in bed (watch porn, wear lingerie, use toys). I’ve always had the higher libido and the more positive attitude toward sex in all of my relationships, but right now, I feel overwhelmed and, honestly, a little put off. I want to feel GGG again, but am having trouble. What do you think?
— Whence This Feeling?
Dear WTF: The guys you were with before you met your husband — all those sex-negative/less-sex-positive guys with their lower-than-yours libidos — did you ever complain about them? Did you ever gripe to friends about always being the one who had to initiate? Did you ever think about writing me a letter asking how to get those guys to be a little more adventurous in bed? And now you’re complaining about being with a guy who has a higher libido and who is just as sexpositive as you are? My advice: Stop pathologizing your husband. You probably didn’t appreciate it when past partners made you feel like your libido was a problem. Your husband’s libido isn’t a problem either. If you’re not interested in porn, lingerie, or toys, say so. But look on the bright side: You’re lucky enough to be with a guy whose libido exceeds your own (for a change!), WTF, so your needs will never be neglected. Yahtzee.
Dear Dan: I am an adult hetero woman, and I have a recurring fantasy that gives me pause. I was never abused as a child, and I have ABSOLUTELY NO sexual interest in children. However, in my fantasy, I am 9 years old and being seduced by a gorgeous man in his 30s. It ends with us having intercourse. I don’t feel guilty — no harm done, after all — but I do feel strange. Help me out: Fight the fantasy? Or is it okay?
— Kinky In Distress
Dear KID: You’re not fantasizing about having sex with children — excuse me: You’re not fantasizing about raping children — you’re fantasizing about being a child who is “seduced” (read: raped) by a gorgeous man (read: a rapist). Your fantasy is unrealizable except through consensual “age play,” a kink that has not been linked to pedophilia. So while your fantasy is very deeply squicky (VDS), KID, no one is harmed when you indulge yourself in your VDS fantasy. But be careful with whom you share it, KID, lest you wind up attracting an actual pedophile (someone who wishes you were a 9-year-old girl) or repelling someone who can’t wrap his head around the essential harmlessness of your VDS fantasy. (Some recommended reading for you, KID:
The Toybag Guide to Age Play by Bridgett “Lee” Harrington.)
Dear Dan: Now that fecal transplants are all the rage for correcting gut microflora imbalances, when are we going to hear about the healing benefits of sharing anal toys? — Sharing Is Caring, Kids
Dear SICK: The poop being used to treat microflora imbalances is “strained, centrifuged, and frozen,” according to a report in the New York Times. This medicinal-grade poop now comes in pill form, and researchers predict that these shit pills — administered orally — could save the lives of 14,000 Americans every year. (I call on President Obama to appoint a microflora imbalance czar.) Since the poop in your butt hasn’t been strained, centrifuged, and frozen — you would have to be the Felix Unger of scat fetishists to go to that kind of trouble — sharing anal toys is unlikely to provide the same health benefits to your partners.
So the advice around plugs and other ass toys remains the same: no sharing during play, abort if santorum is present, wash toys with hot water and soap before reuse. However, we may need to revise the insult “Eat shit and die” in light of this new lifesaving/shiteating treatment. But telling someone to “Eat shit and balance your microflora!” doesn’t have the same punch.
Send questions to Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net and follow him on Twitter @fakedansavage.
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