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Home / Articles / Views / In Case You Missed It /  In case you missed it | The conservative is coming!
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Thursday, February 14,2013

In case you missed it | The conservative is coming!

THE CONSERVATIVE IS COMING!

Oh, how we cherish moments like this, when CU-Boulder announces that it is bringing in three finalists for its chair in right-wing politics, er, Scholar in Conservative Thought and Policy. Sorry.

It simply reminds us of a story we had almost forgotten, of how a former Republican CU president and chancellor decided in 2008 that our decidedly liberal campus needed a dose of Rush Limbaugh.

We can’t wait to see who is chosen from among the esteemed candidates. (Look them up if you are really interested. Alas, no Bill O’Reillys in the group, it seems.)

What we want to know is, how can CU sustain, protect and nurture such a creature as a conservative?

Will this species, Conservatarius Unum, get its own terrarium, a glass box in the middle of campus that allows the rest of us to observe it in its own environment, surrounded by flat-screen TVs set to Fox News? Maybe an exercise wheel with a picture of Obama above it to chase and nip after, fruitlessly?

It would have to be a very secure enclosure, of course. What if the conservative escapes, mates with some of our local liberals, and multiplies, resulting in scores of moderates pillaging our lands?

And will there be enough fried food in Boulder to sustain such a creature? Alas, we can only ponder the ramifications of bringing such a beast into our whereabouts.

We are reminded of what George F. Will said after our own arts and entertainment editor, David Accomazzo, broke the story when he was with the Times-Call.

Will told the Wall Street Journal: “Like Margaret Mead among the Samoans, they’re planning to study conservatives. That’s hilarious.”

Yes, George, hilarious. Until one gets out and starts ruining our gene pool.

WE WANT ERIE’S NEXT CHECK

Dear Erie Board of Trustees,

We’d like to apply for the privilege of performing your next environmental assessment of the local effects of fracking and other oil and gas operations.

We’ve noticed that those other pesky independent studies that weren’t paid for by the town keep finding dangerous levels of air and water pollution. What the hell does the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration know about ozone gas, anyway? So for only $50,000, we will assure you that we will go even further than the other town-paid consultants have gone, delivering test results that not only show no emissions of any kind in the air around Erie, but reveal that the town should be renamed Eden and should start bottling its air and selling it.

PASS THE JAR

Speaking of hot air, Colorado Gov. John Frackenlooper — oops, there we go again, Hickenlooper — has actually admitted to drinking fracking fluid.

Yes, according to The Washington Times, Halliburton — a real bastion of credibility — has convinced the governor that the fluid is made entirely of “ingredients sourced from the food industry.”

Yeah, if you consider benzene a fruit.

Or if your four food groups are hydrochloric acid, methanol, sodium chloride and isopropyl alcohol.

Apparently, our state’s top elected official told the U.S. Senate Committee on Energy and Natural Resources, “You can drink it. We did drink it around the table, almost rituallike, in a funny way.”

Well, we, for one, think it’s interesting that our state’s top elected official thinks it’s so funny.

Too bad so many who voted for him think it’s not funny that he’s stabbed us in the back, getting in bed with the oil and gas industry and ignoring the health and safety concerns that his constituents have raised. Apparently it’s a big joke that the profits of corporations seem to take precedence over ascertaining whether air and water quality are being permanently compromised for subsequent generations.

Finally, Hick acknowledged his real motivation, saying: “If we were overzealous in forcing them to disclose what they had created, they wouldn’t bring it into our state.”

Ah, so now the truth comes out. And the real sick joke that is being played on the rest of us.

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com

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