August 27 - September 2, firstname.lastname@example.orgSour lemonade
What was Bill Gates’ first business venture? A lemonade stand, of course.
Well, we don’t actually know that, but who didn’t learn the basics of running their own business as a kid selling a product they could make themselves and sell on the open market to thirsty passers-by? It’s pretty much the perfect picture of the quintessential American entrepreneur-in-training.
But a few New York City Parks Department agents apparently never had that age-old childhood experience. Or if they did, maybe they forgot the sugar because they certainly turned into sourpusses. That was evident when they recently shut down a 10-year-old girl’s lemonade stand and wrote her a $50 ticket for selling food without a license. The girl, Clementine Lee, who had already learned the rules of targeting a market, decided to take advantage of a hot day and sell some ice-cold drinks to the thirsty throngs.
With the help of her dad, she sold 10 glasses for 50 cents each, along with about a dozen cookies before being approached by the cranky agents at about 3 p.m. After ticketing the young businesswoman, they forced her to pack up her wares and go home. Dozens of onlookers, appalled by what they’d witnessed, rallied around the little entrepreneur and shouted that the Parks officers had violated the girl’s civil rights. In the end, the Parks Commissioner said that the officers used poor judgment and the ticket would be nixed.
But the experience, said Clementine, left a bitter taste in her mouth. We hope that she’ll find a way to make those lemons into lemonade, but if she loses interest in the American Dream and ends up moving to France, we totally understand. If you can’t sell lemonade on the side of the road, what’s the point of living in America? Douche U
The University of Colorado has been named the No. 10 douchiest university in the country by Gentleman’s Quarterly. GQ analyzed universities and colleges across the nation, trying to provide a comprehensive resource for college-bound young people in hopes of helping them answer that all-important question, “What kind of douche bag do you aspire to be?”
According to GQ, CU is the home of the “Kind-Bud Douche,” a type of college d-bag who drives a Prius and owns expensive Telemark skis he or she doesn’t know how to use, as well as a bong made of recycled Nalgene bottles.
The men’s fashion magazine offered this quote as being representative of CU’s student body: “I like cookies. And Cheetos. God, Cheetos are good. Have you ever had a Coke slushie? Hey, have you ever stared at the sun, then closed your eyes and seen all those blue rainbows? Man, these mountains are beautiful. Trees scare me. Hey, who are you?”
GQ assures prospective students that after 10 years of attending CU, you’re likely to be… a junior. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with the 12-year-plan. Why rush?
Honorable mentions in the “Kind-bud Douche” category include Duke University and the University of Vermont.
As of press time GQ had not returned calls to confirm what CU’s douche ranking was last year, but that’s OK. We’ll take whatever honors we can get. It kind of helps take the sting out of that No. 11 party-school ranking, doesn’t it? At least CU made the Top 10 in something.