August 20 - 26, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

A sweet, sweet stimulus package
On Aug. 15, a New Hampshire-based gourmet gift website unveiled its latest treat at a classic car show in Royal Oak, Mich. And it was a big treat.

Much to every dentist’s horror (or delight, if you want to think of income), the gift at hand was the world’s largest cupcake. Weighing in at 1,224 pounds, the cupcake was eight times the size of the previous record holder. A Guinness World Records adjudicator was on site to measure and properly ascertain the cupcake’s size and standing. In addition, patrons of the car show were on hand to help consume said cupcake — a piece was given out in exchange for a donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Why do we share all this mention of cupcakes with you, dear reader? Well, because we have thought of a new way out of the recession. We found inspiration with this story of enormous cupcakes, and felt with a little tweaking it could benefit Boulder. You see, making a solid attempt at breaking a world record could seriously help out our local economy.

The cupcake in question, after all, used 800 eggs, 200 pounds of sugar and 200 pounds of flour. That could be a lot of business for a local grocer. Then, there’s the actual labor. The winning cupcake took 12 hours to bake, and who knows how many hours of time in creating. That kind of needed manpower could create at least temporary jobs for our unemployed. And, of course, there’s the attraction of having a place in the Guinness Book of World Records, an added plus for any potential tourist willing to spend money on our community.

So with all that, we ask you, Boulder, to step up to the plate and put us on the map. We’ve got a few suggestions in mind…

—Most people doing the downward facing dog at once
—Largest statue of Jerry Garcia made out of tofu and female armpit hair (Nederland might have to help us out with this one)
—The first town to consistently use the word “organic” as a noun, verb, adjective and name (“This is our daughter, Organic. She cost twice as much, but she’s worth it.”)

Brain food
For years, social activists and filmmakers around the globe have been trying to warn us about the greatest danger to the human race in the history of our planet. Is it nuclear war? Nope. Global warming? Pshaw. Lime disease? Swine flu? Britney Spears’ exposed vagina? No, no and no (although that last one is certainly frightening). While these are all important problems that must be addressed posthaste, they pale in comparison to the eminent horror that awaits us: the zombie apocalypse.

For several decades, George Romero, Sam Raimi, Peter Jackson and others have created detailed public-service films that chronicle the threat of undead corpses rising from the grave and attacking the living. In these films, we are reminded over and over about rules of zombie-ness: 1) Zombies are slow. Recently, several movies have hit the theaters showing zombies sprinting around like Carl Lewis on crack, but do not be fooled. 2) Zombies feed on living human flesh. Preferably, brains. Nobody knows why, but we suspect they just like the flavor… apparently, it tastes like chicken. 3) If you are bitten by a zombie, you will be immediately zombiefied.

So far, American citizens have chosen to ignore these facts. Fortunately, Canadians are much more pragmatic than their southern neighbors, and they have decided to investigate the subject seriously, although the results are somewhat disappointing. In a book called Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress, scientists from the University of Ottawa have examined that age-old question: If there was a battle between zombies and the living, who would win? Apparently, zombies.

The paper draws the following conclusion: “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else... we are all in a great deal of trouble.” Well, duh. Come on, Canada. This is the best you can do? That’s what happens when you legalize marijuana and spend all your time getting bashed in the head with hockey sticks.

Of course, zombies must be dealt with quickly, but how does one deal with them? Here’s some advice to BW readers: 1) Decapitation. Off with the head! Even though there are some reports of zombies walking around without craniums, it’s much more difficult to bite someone if you don’t have a mouth. 2) Get to high ground. Zombies are not good climbers. 3) No loose clothing or long hair. We know this is going to be a difficult sacrifice for all you hippies, but zombies tend to be grabby, and you don’t want to give them something to hold on to. 4) No patchouli. Sorry. We don’t know exactly how zombies track the living, but smelling like a backstage orgy at a Grateful Dead concert is not going to help.