July 23 - July 29, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Drive through or drive by?
So, we’ve all been there. You’re in a hurry, you’re so hungry you could eat a horse, and you decide to go ahead and blow your diet by opting for fast food. You slip into the drive-through line and place your order, only to wait. And wait. And wait. And the waiting might not be so infuriating if it wasn’t called “fast food,” but because it’s supposed to be fast, its relative slowness just makes you want to shoot someone.

Well, a Denver cop didn’t go quite so far as to pull the trigger, but he faces felony menacing and weapons charges nonetheless. The 29-year-old police officer allegedly grew impatient while waiting for his breakfast at a McDonald’s in Aurora and pointed his pistol in an attempt to speed up his drive-through order.

We’re not really sure what he thought he might accomplish by whipping out his gun, but we’re pretty sure it didn’t speed up the delivery of his fast food. In fact, last time a gun was pulled on us, we pretty much stopped everything we were doing to shit our pants (not exactly what you want from the teenager serving your breakfast).

The officer has been suspended with pay during the investigation and will be put on unpaid leave once the department is formally notified of the charges, which apparently include prohibited use of a weapon, reckless endangerment and disorderly conduct.
When we heard what happened, we thought it was so ridiculous that there must be a good explanation for his behavior. Our best guess: He didn’t actually point his gun to speed up his order, but instead, he saw the Hamburgler and felt it was in his job description to stop an impending theft. Who among us wouldn’t do the same thing?

That stuff can kill you
The Pentagon announced on July 15 that it will not ban the use of tobacco in the U.S. military, though it will pursue a shift to a smoke-free military. The announcement came after a study by the Pentagon and the Department of Veteran Affairs recommended banning the use and sale of tobacco products on military property. The study also recommended that the military work to bring in enlistees who aren’t already tobacco addicts.

It’s great that Pentagon officials are concerned about the health of our troops, but there’s something strange about even thinking of taking cigarettes away from men and women whose day job consists of dodging enemy fire and IEDs. How exactly does the Pentagon present its smoke-free message?

“We’re shipping you to Kabul for your fourth year-long tour of duty. But before we send you into combat, we’d like to talk with you about your unhealthy use of tobacco. That stuff can kill you!”

If the suits in D.C. think that will work, clearly they’re smoking, too — but not tobacco.

Yes, the health of American citizens is important, and the health of U.S. troops is a responsibility that all Americans share. And it may be true that more veterans die from tobacco use over time than in war zones. But taking the cigarette out of someone’s hand and replacing it with an M-16 is the height of absurdity.

If the Pentagon wants to help our troops, it can make sure they receive the health care and mental-health care they deserve.

Dumbledore’s Army
The recent release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hasn’t been without its controversy. Fans of the book series eagerly complain about all of the left-out details. Fundamentalist religious nuts complain that the film glorifies teen use of drugs and magic. And then there are all the prudes complaining about the flagrant make-out sessions popped in between wand battles. 

But it appears as if the Potter controversy has extended beyond the script this time. Recently, in a Milwaukee suburb, roughly 80 stop signs have been reportedly tagged with the word “Voldemort” underneath the commanding “STOP.” Police suspect one culprit, considering that the handwriting is similar in all of the cases. Though they have not figured out who the culprit is yet, they have begun to take action by removing the Dark Lord’s name from the signs.

This leads us to only one conclusion: the Wauwatosa, Wisc., police are most likely Death Eaters, bent on carrying out the wishes of Voldemort. Why else would they erase this anti-Dark Lord message?

Bush and Cheney may not be in power anymore, but it’s obvious that the dark arts still run rampant in our nation’s governmental systems. Our advice? Resist all arrests by blurting out bizarre Latin-based words that end in “o” while waving around a stick. If that doesn’t work, be sure to challenge your local authority figure to a game of Quidditch.