July 2 - July 8, email@example.comPraise the pants
Christians around the globe debate amongst themselves the exact age of the Earth. Some say it’s 4,000 years old. Others contend 4 billion years. But one thing is for sure: it’s 2009, the year of the Ox and a brand new president and, as it turns out, some pretty big changes at Focus on the Family. Our favorite fundamentalist Christian organization (favorite because they provide an endless source of material for this section of the paper) has finally decided to step into the, well, mid 20th century.
As of mid-June, the organization is no longer requiring its in-house employees to adhere its strict dress code. Instead, the group is adopting a new, less-formal dress code. Rather than wear ties and business attire, the men at Focus on the Family can now come to work decked in an open-collar shirt (Spandex, however, is still off-limits.) Likewise, women can now come to work in… wait for it… pants. Yes, pants. (Well, to be specific, dress pants and pantsuits). It appears as though women at Focus on the Family were still required to wear skirts or dresses at work until two-thousand-freaking-nine A.D. But for those out there concerned that these folks are getting all radical and feminist on us, don’t worry. Chastity belts are still required, lock and key property of James Dobson. Crime spree
Recently, there have been a string of armed robberies in the Boulder area under peculiar circumstances.
On Friday, June 26, Richard Scott Ibbeson allegedly attempted to rob Advantage Bank in Boulder, and when that didn’t work out, he went down the road and robbed a Wells Fargo in Longmont 40 minutes later. You have to admire the man for his tenacity. As the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, get in your car, drive to another city and take their shit.” Perhaps Ibbeson was responding to the recent economic stimulus package with his own personal stimulus plan.
But Ibbeson wasn’t the only one trying to pull off a John Dillinger impersonation in the month of June. On Saturday, June 27, an unidentified person walked into the Boulder Beer and Liquor Emporium wearing crazy makeup, a colorful wig, a hat and a denim dress. The broke-ass drag queen circus clown demanded money, and when the employee refused, he/she pulled out a gun and said, “Please.” Aw, isn’t that sweet. The weird, creepy criminal has good manners. That’s nice. We bet his/her mother is proud.
But that’s not all, folks. Three days, three robberies. On Sunday, June 28, a man wearing a bandana, gloves and sunglasses walked into a Boulder gas station and said to the 24-year-old female employee, “Give me your money.” Unlike the Liquor Emporium employee, this one didn’t refuse. In fact, she didn’t even wait to see a gun. “Take it,” she replied. The police say the criminal never displayed a weapon and didn’t even verbally threaten the employee. That’s fine, but he also didn’t say, “Please.” Which means broke-ass drag queen circus clown still wins our Congenial Criminal Award. Congratulations! You can pick up your top-secret prize at the Boulder Police Department. Only in Boulder…
So it turns out, in case you hadn’t noticed, that Boulder is kind of a weird little town. So much so, in fact, that in celebration of the city’s 150th birthday, the Boulder History Museum is hosting an exhibit called Only in Boulder, which explores many of the quirky things that make this place unique.
Among the eccentricities that will be highlighted in the exhibit are the Naked Pumpkin Run, Thursday Night Cruisers, the Bolder Boulder, groundbreaking science, the organic movement, and, of course, prairie dogs. But we think there are a few more strange things about Boulder and its citizens that should be brought to light in this celebration of strange. Here’s what we came up with:
— Only in Boulder can you see an unwashed, dreadlocked, tattered hippie step into an Audi.
— Only in Boulder can people make up their own job titles like “Creative Facilitator of Synergy.”
— Only in Boulder does casual Friday extend to Monday through Thursday (and casual Friday means coming to the office in your yoga pants).
— Only in Boulder are dogs allowed to go to work, school, the grocery store and the movies with you.
— Only in Boulder do smoke breaks at work mean going out to puff a joint with your boss.
— Only in Boulder can you see a pink poodle and watch its owner — ahem, guardian — get arrested for abuse.
— Only in Boulder does a woman who doesn’t pay her rent in retaliation for being told to take down Easter decorations two weeks after Easter get asked to appear on The Colbert Report.