May 28- June 3, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Armed with a… cup
A 21-year-old Longmont man was arrested last Friday on suspicion of attempted murder. The man, Joseph Lee Morado, got into a fight with the victim and then stabbed him repeatedly in the head, neck, back and shoulder, the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office told the press. Morado was arrested on suspicion of attempted second-degree murder, felony menacing and third-degree assault. The victim was treated at Longmont United Hospital and released.

And what was Morado’s alleged weapon of choice? A switchblade? A hunting knife? A machete?

Nope. It was shards of glass from a broken cup.

Hey, you can seriously fuck someone’s shit up with a broken cup.

Don’t worry that state lawmakers are going to ban cups from department store shelves or make you register your tea set. When it comes to alleged crimes committed with kitchenware, at least, people seem to recognize that cups don’t cut people. People cut people.

Be very afraid
Americans love to be afraid. Whether it’s terrorism, swine flu or the possible demise of Jon & Kate Plus 8, Americans need to have a reason to freak out. They elected George W largely based on his ability to freak them out. And now that Dick Cheney is bloviating about terrorism on the talk-show circuit, he’s enjoying a surge in popularity.

Among the things Americans have to fear this week is the spread of Islamic extremism — gasp! — in U.S. prisons. The arrest of four Muslim ex-cons in an alleged homegrown terror plot last week put folks in tizzy when it was revealed that the suspects may have converted to Islam and been “radicalized” in prison.

This is really horrible, because when convicted criminals start plotting crimes in prison we are really fucked. Except, of course, that prison has long been the place we send people for “radicalization.”

Not only do some folks convert to the “wrong” version of God behind bars, they also learn all kinds of radical things about stealing and fighting and killing. Chances are that while these suspects were busy reading the Qur’an and praying, someone was blading someone else up with a shank in the shower or turning someone into their bitch, practicing for the day when the parole board finally lets them out and they move their radical selves into your neighborhood.

Prison. Radical Islam. Convicts. Shank. Criminals. In your neighborhood.

Make sure to jot all of this down on your “Things to Fear” list so that you can read it back to yourself later when you’re starting to think life is going well. Once you’ve managed to induce panic, you’ll feel like yourself again.

Flattened out
A 31-year-old resident named Alexander Kabelis was taken into custody on Thursday, May 21, after admitting to slashing the tires of almost 50 vehicles in Boulder, including nine police cars.

Kabelis was reported to the authorities after a local citizen found him hiding behind a Suburban on The Hill. When he was taken into custody, police discovered a steak knife in his pocket. However, there was no indication of a steak (or any other type of processed beef) on his person.

Kabelis admits that he has been pathologically stabbing tires all over town for quite some time, but he has a very good excuse: His mommy made him do it.

According to a police spokesperson, Kabelis was “upset with the state of his relationship with his mother.” Aw, that’s kind of sweet.

And creepy. But mostly creepy.

However, that wasn’t the only excuse Kabelis gave for attacking random sport utility vehicles with a kitchen utensils. Here are some of his other reasons: 1) radiation from Rocky Flats made him crazy; 2) several police cars drove past him at very high speeds, which angered him; and 3) his braces made him do it.

Reasons 1 and 2 are at least in the same time zone as reality, but number 3 is off in Crazy MoFo Land. Certainly, braces are annoying — they hurt your teeth and make French kissing a bitch. But it’s difficult to trace the relationship between dental hardware and going all Norman Bates on a Ford Explorer. Then again, we haven’t met Kabelis’s mother, yet.