May 21-27, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

The case of the missing case
Police are currently looking for a man suspected of entering a house on University Hill and stealing beer out of the fridge.
According to one of the inhabitants of the house, there was a strange noise in the kitchen at around 4:40 a.m. on Monday, May 18, and when he went to investigate, he saw a young man walking away from the premises with a grocery bag in his hand. Of course, the resident immediately decided to check the house to make certain none of his valuables had been stolen. Wallets, watches and televisions were all in place, but he discovered between 24 and 30 bottles of Samuel Adams missing from the refrigerator. Knowing the police had nothing better to do than track down his party stash, the resident called the authorities and reported the crime.

The thief has been described as a white male in his 20s wearing blue jeans, a long-sleeved shirt and a baseball hat.

The beer has been described as brown, long-necked bottles wearing labels that portray a creepy, old-timey dude with a pageboy haircut on the front. These bottles contain a bubbly, intoxicating liquid which may have several adverse effects on the person who consumes it, including: 1) decreased motor skills that cause normal humans to slur their speech and stumble around like Paula Abdul; 2) having sexual intercourse with uggos; and 3) forgetting to lock the front door of your house, allowing some random guy to walk right in and steal your beer.

Who needs guns?
It’s always a good idea to have a plan. You just never know when someone is going to demand your money or threaten your life.

And it’s the simple things you have on hand that just might save you. A Boulder man who works at the local Red Robin found that out the hard way. But his quick thinking just might have saved him when a man came up from behind him with a knife while he was washing the restaurant’s windows.

The robber demanded his wallet, but the window-washing man held up a squeegee in self defense instead. He told the thief that he only had a little cash, but before there was a chance for the robber to renew his demand, a woman came out of the nearby Millenium Hotel. The crook got spooked and ran off. Which, of course, means that he’s still out there ready to rob you, too.

So keep your eyes out for a knife wielding man with a gray beard and medium build. Since he’s only about 5-foot-5, you could probably bring him down with your bare hands, but it might not be a bad idea to keep an eye on would-be weapons you may have handy. For example, as we write this, we are within reach of a full Sigg bottle that would serve well for hitting someone over the head, hot sauce to throw in a robber’s eyes, a stapler for shooting staples at the schemer, and pens and pencils for stabbing the little shit.

We’re ready. Are you?

Security schmacurity
A state senator from Broomfield was recently notified that his individual security code that lets him into the Capitol building had been deactivated. Was it because he’d been kicked out? Nope. Was it a case of mistaken identity? Not really. Was it because he’d hired a monkey to type in the code for him so he didn’t have to do it himself? No. Not that either. Was it because he gave his code to eleven grad students to give them access to the Capitol after hours? Ding, ding, ding. Tell ’em what they’ve won, Bob.

That’s right, folks. Sen. Shawn Mitchell, R-Broomfield, who teaches a Colorado government and politics class at the University of Colorado Denver, gave his students his individual security code. He was then informed by email that because of unauthorized access to the building, his code had been deactivated and if he wanted another one, he’d have to ask for one.

Even though it’s a security code, when he learned that his had been deactivated as a result of his giving it to students, Sen. Mitchell claimed that he didn’t remember what he was told about proper security-code procedures when he was originally given the code in 1998. Seriously? He couldn’t remember that he wasn’t supposed to give away his security code?

On the upside, maybe his students learned a valuable lesson from the experience: Don’t vote for the guy that gives secure information out and then says, “I didn’t know.”