May 7-13, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Road (bike) rage
We’ve all seen it before. A cyclist darts in front of a moving car, and the driver doesn’t check his blind spot. The driver slams on the breaks, the cyclist swerves, and all hell breaks loose. After a series of skid marks and horn honking, the potentially horrendous accident is avoided. But the danger doesn’t end there. In an effort to prove themselves in the right, the cyclist throws down their bike and the driver hops out of their truck. And then the words fly. “You could’ve killed me.” “Don’t ride like an idiot.” Blah, blah, blah.

Although this usually results in nothing more than extreme agitation, biker/driver standoffs have been escalating to an alarming degree in Boulder County.

On May 4, Roy Ragas was arrested on suspicion of felony menacing after allegedly waving a handgun at a Boulder cyclist. After Ragas supposedly passed another vehicle, he came into close contact with cyclist Mark Copeland. At that point, the two reportedly began arguing. Ragas claims Copeland spit at him, and Copeland claims Ragas pulled a gun.

What?!? It appears as though the biker/driver battle has gone further than any of us could ever imagine. In fact, this could develop into a full-fledged gang war between the two groups. To best protect yourself, we suggest you take a moment to absorb the following warning signs. If you suspect that your child or a friend is participating in any of these gang activities, please notify authorities immediately.

Lycra Locos: This bicycle gang is usually seen wearing reflective colors, and typically have their right pant legs rolled up. Lycra Locos have been known to deal in doping transfusion bags, and have the ability to crush skulls with their thighs.

The Drive Me Wilds: This driver’s gang typically uses parking lots as hangouts. They have a special Morse Code-like language that allows them to communicate through horn honks. They’re often seen huffing gasoline, but generally avoid the dealing industry.

Attack of the swine-flu zombies
Recently, the dreaded swine flu made its first appearance in Boulder when several suspected cases popped up at the University of Colorado. Administrators immediately quarantined the pig-virus carriers and cancelled several popular social events on campus.

Swine flu, also known as H1N1 flu, is an aggressive illness that is extremely contagious and has caused several deaths throughout the world. CU administrators are not taking any chances with potential cases.

Of course, this has happened at the worst possible time, while students are studying for final exams. And in order to keep their academic edge, it has been reported that more and more young scholars are taking a drug called Adderall, which is a prescription stimulant that helps students focus.

This combination of sickness and drugs can only mean one thing: zombies. Now, no one has reported an official case of zombification at CU yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Think about it — stressed-out, sleep-deprived students wandering around campus taking mind-altering drugs and contracting a contagious virus. Eventually, they will start eating our brains in an attempt to gain the knowledge necessary to pass their physics exams. It’s only logical.

If you are attacked by a swine-flu zombie, don’t panic. Remember, zombies are slow and not very bright. Run to high ground or barricade yourself in a safe environment. Do not under any circumstances try to reason with a swine-flu zombie. Trust no one, especially those who are trying to eat you.

News from the Springs
A recent incident at a middle school in Colorado Springs prompted school officials to send a note home to parents asking them to tell their kids not to talk to strangers. What was the situation that provoked that note? We’re glad you asked.

Apparently, representatives from a local Christian church attempted to lure a seventh-grader into a church van. The church that was allegedly behind the incident has been in trouble in the past for baptizing children without their parents’ consent. In addition, students at two nearby elementary schools have recently been approached by church members, and, apparently, church proselytizing has been escalating lately.

A few weeks ago, school officials from the middle school where the attempt to entice the seventh-grader took place met with church leaders to try and get them to stop preaching to kids on school property. Technically, they complied, but instead of stopping, they moved their sermonizing to public sidewalks just outside of the school property lines. The school has said that they will seek a no-trespassing order if members of the church resume hassling students. But the church seems to be following their own “doctrinal statement,” which says, “We believe the church is a local, separated body of believers who are sent forth into the world to get people saved, baptized and added to the church.”

We would just like to point out to them that if your tactics for converting sinners to believers start resembling those of creepy pedophiles, you might want to rethink what you’re trying to sell. Oh, and stay away from our kids.