March 19-25, 2009
editorial@boulderweekly.com

Closer to God
Pastor Jerry Lawson wasn’t lookin’ to stir up a hornet’s nest, but when he started talkin’ about s-e-x in church, that’s just what he did. It seems the good pastor thinks that marital relations is a subject worthy of a Sunday sermon or two, so he put up the phrase “Great sex: God’s Way” on the billboard outside the Daystar Church in Good Hope, Alabama. And, boy, oh, boy, did that start tongues a-waggin’!

It seems the good folks of Good Hope aren’t used to seein’ that word in public — least ways not on a church billboard and not spelled out or nothin’. Some think Lawson, who aims to talk about s-e-x every Sunday for a month, is just plum nuts. And what does
Lawson have to say about s-e-x?

He believes that s-e-x is intended only for a husband and wife to enjoy together and that even bein’ aroused by anyone or anything other than your spouse is a sin. (We reckon’ that means that Jack Rabbit vibrators are taboo among his flock. Shucks!)

“It’s really stirred up the people here,” Good Hope town clerk Joann Jones told the Associated Press.

The town’s mayor is afraid that seein’ the word “s-e-x” will make kids ask questions that parents don’t rightly know how to answer.
Roland Belew, who preaches from a trailer at a nearby truck stop, thinks it ain’t right for a man of God to talk about matters of the flesh.

“Paul said preach the Gospel,” Belew told AP. “Talkin’ about sex ain’t gonna get nobody to heaven.” (Yep, this is what he said.)

If that’s what the residents of Good Hope believe, then it’s high time they got laid. And we mean really laid. If they were to listen in on folks’ bedrooms here in the People’s Republic, they’d hear people cryin’ out for their Maker, like this:
“Oh, God! Oh, God! Ohgodohgodohgod! OH GOD! Yeeeessss!”

After all, there ain’t nothin’ like good s-e-x to bring you closer to God.

Something Phishy this way comes
Recently, the Boulder hippie community was turned upside down when jamband super-group Phish announced plans to perform at Red Rocks Amphitheatre on their reunion tour. The band broke up in 2004, but decided to get back together after they discovered what real life was like.

Even though the concert is four months away, Boulder fans immediately began stocking up on acid and condoms in preparation for the big event. Others plan to prepare for the show by reading their astrology charts and not showering. The concert will take place over the course of four days, from July 30 to Aug. 2, which should be just enough time for Phish to play three songs.

The last time the group visited Red Rocks was in 1996, and afterwards, the residents of Morrison, Colo., complained about the thousands of Phish fans who descended on their city. Said one citizen, “I thought we were being attacked by malnourished zombies. I’m still trying to get the smell of patchouli and the 1970s out of my clothes.”

In the past, Phish members have struggled with substance abuse and rehab, and there are rumors that they have sworn off drugs for this tour. Consequently, they will only be playing Hootie and the Blowfish cover songs, and the Jonas Brothers are the opening band for the show.

Two-piece suit
Americans love to sue each other. Lawsuits are quickly replacing baseball as the national pastime, and in Hollywood, the salutation “Have a nice day” has been tossed out in favor of “You’ve been served.”

Recently, two entertainment icons landed in court on very serious charges.

The creators of the animated TV show Family Guy were sued for writing a comical parody of the Disney song “When You Wish Upon a Star” from the movie Pinocchio. The original song won an Academy Award in 1940 and has been recorded by more than 100 artists over the years. The parody, titled “I Need a Jew,” altered the lyrics of the original for comedic purposes.

In the end, Jiminy Cricket ruled that it was just a stupid song, and Geppetto said that everyone should lighten up already. Next week, the Grimm brothers plan to return from the grave and sue Disney for stealing pretty much every story they ever wrote.

On a more serious note, Chuck Norris recently sued the publishing company Penguin for printing a book titled The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts about the World’s Greatest Human. The idea for the book was taken from several websites that poke fun at Norris’s action-hero iconography and tough-guy image. The book suggests that Norris can recharge his cell phone by rubbing it against his beard, and asserts that his tears can cure cancer.

Norris says the book profits from his good name and is filled with information that is not true.

For instance, experts have proven that Norris’s tears definitely do not cure cancer. However, if you mix them with a little gin and vermouth, they make a great martini. Scientists are also testing Norris’s chest hairs to see if they can be used to treat impotence, and it is rumored that his flatulence will power NASA’s expedition to Mars.

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